My medical rotation this month has been with the sobering, yet eye-opening Child Protection Team at Spectrum Health. The doctor whom I have been working with is a specialist in child abuse cases. We see about 4 patients a day as each interview and physical exam lasts up to 2 hours. I have heard many heart-breaking stories and my naivety is definitely being eroded away - as unpleasant as it may be. Now, there are a great many things that I could share having spent a month listening to stories of neglect and abuse, but I felt the Lord say something to me with regard to the legal side of things.
See, the doctor I'm working with spends a good chuck of time in court as an expert witness testifying on behalf of the children she sees. Through my conversations with her, I have been a bit more educated in the legal aspects of such things. There are many "traps" that lawyers try to lay to discredit a witness or prove that they are not impartial. For example, the doc asked me, "Do you consider yourself a child advocate?" Perhaps the easy and natural response is, "Yeah, of course." However, if you say that in court, now you're no longer "impartial" and your testimony is invalid - the court would now assume that you don't care about truth or justice, just that the kid gets his way. Those who have learned how to play in this verbal "chess match" would see that they actually need to qualify their statements and be very specific (yet not too specific). A more appropriate response would be, "Insofar as I am a medical health care provider, it is within the expectations of my vocation that I would help to identify and remove those things and circumstances which cause harm to my patients, and add such things as would bring them health and safety." (I imagine a lawyer could even punch a hole in that, but you get the idea.)
Anyway, my revelation came while I was driving and thinking about this legal game. I began to think about prayer and I felt the Lord say, "You don't receive because you do not ask." I was like, "what does that have to do with law and lawyers?" The response I felt was that the Lord actually wants us to be praying and asking for the outrageous - not just because He loves to give us good gifts, but for legal purposes as well!
See, as heirs to the King we have a legal position to ask things from the Lord. When satan "appeals" and tries to convince the Lord to withhold from us, the Lord refers to the prayers of His children which have become a legal document_ Therefore, the more we ask for, the more legal right we have to receive and satan cannot appeal against the Lord's goodness. We actually secure our blessings and the changes in our times by the prayers and petitions that we submit to the Lord. Our prayers are valid, legally accepted "documents" in the courts of Heaven!
Now, I'm really not sure if that is all 100% biblically sound; it might not be. It was just an idea that came to me while I was thinking about our own court systems. I feel that it has motivated me to pray more and with more faith. I hope that it does for you as well.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Heavenly Literacy
There are many human languages - English, Spanish, French, and all the rest. There are languages of a different sort, as well: the Languages of Heaven and hell. And just as our common languages can be communicated both by speech and by writing, so can the spiritual languages. The Lord is both writing on us and speaking over us. Unfortunately, most of us are completely oblivious to these languages. We do not perceive the words, so we do not learn to understand. The Lord used a man this week to show me His language - the unread, unperceived story that He writes into every precious life. His stories are riveting and powerful, and they are true. This week the Lord took a man who could not communicate in the natural to show me what He was writing in the spiritual.
Multiple Sclerosis is a disease that affects a person's nervous system. It slowly eats away at the physical wiring of a person's body. As time progresses, the person becomes more and more paralyzed. They are unable to perform any purposeful movements. In the end stages of the disease, they are often completely dependent on others to survive - they cannot eat, go to the bathroom, wash or change themselves. Often they require assistance even in breathing.
This week in the hospital, the first patient assigned to me had this disease. He had been in the hospital a dozen times in the last couple months for numerous lung infections and medical problems that he could not fight because of the MS. I admit that I was a bit scared to go in to visit with him. I looked into his room and saw a middle-aged man lying in a bed, unable to move, with his left arm contracted against his chest. He had an O2 mask placed over his neck which was blowing oxygen into his tracheostomy tube. Coming out of his belly was some sort of artificial umbilical cord - a PEG tube that was used to feed him since he could no longer swallow. Another yellow tube ran from under the sheets into a bag on the side of the bed - a catheter which drained his bladder since he was unable to control his urinary muscles anymore. There were other assorted tubes and monitors around. He had tubes to his blood, his bladder, his stomach and lungs, but the hardest thing for me to see was his eyes. He was just staring. He was like a zombie just staring at the wall. His eyes were slightly deviated - the muscles no longer able to keep his eyes straight. They seemed empty.
I was scared to go in. What was I going to do? I had not really been confronted with this sort of condition before - at least not to this degree. I suppose I simply convinced myself that I had a job to do, and so I went in.
I called his name, not sure if he could hear me. I put my hand on his knee and introduced myself - just hoping that he could understand me. It's a strange thing to talk with someone who can make no replies or efforts to communicate back. It gets uncomfortable really fast. I silently prayed in tongues over him as I listened to his lungs which were obviously filled with mucous which he was unable to cough up. (Even listening to someone's lungs feels invasive and intrusive when your patient doesn't give you consent. But, "I had a job to do," right?)
Torn between wanting to stay and endure my discomfort for the sake of growing and knowing that it could all end if I just left - I hesitated, staring out the window, still trying to offer silent comfort to him with my hand on his swaddled knee. But I felt helpless. Ironic, isn't it?
I visited this gentleman the next 2 days. Each day was the same. I wasn't sure if I was growing more comfortable around him, or if I was becoming more calloused - rejecting my own helplessness. I found myself fighting the urge to say those words which I'm sure he has heard a million times: "I wish there was something more I could do (for you)." I knew in my heart that those words would be poison to him and that they were NOT from the Lord. (Gosh, would that be like saying to a blind person, "I wish I could see this sunset more clearly." But the urge was there. There's something about our insatiable need to be able to "do something" that gives us a pseudo-sense that we have value. ...Interesting considering this man was the epitome of "unable to do something." If I were to speak those words, I knew that I would be implying that this man had absolutely no value at all - and that is NOT the Lord.)
I was on-call at the hospital Wednesday night. It was pretty slow, so I was lying on the couch in the call room. I was thinking and praying about this man. I thought of him lying in his bed just two floors above me. I thought of him staring at the wall - hour after hour. Unable to move or communicate. Just existing. "Lord! I don't understand! What are you telling me through him? what are you saying to him? Lord, yes, what are you saying to him? What would you have me say to him for you? What is your word?" Almost immediately I felt the Lord say,
"Tell him that all that he is doing is more than enough for my love."
I feel like I need to pause for a moment and let that ring in my mind.
Goodness, it is no secret that helplessness and loss of independence is one of our greatest fears - it's the number one fear of elderly people - and so I knew that this man - only in his mid 50s, had endured this fear in perhaps the most terrifying way. And yet, that was the target of the Lord's word to him: "all that you are doing (essentially nothing) is more than enough for me to love you."
I felt this urge in me to go up to his room. The Lord reminded me of the vision He gave me a long time ago: I saw myself in a hospital room praying over a patient who was peacefully sleeping. I realized that that vision is soon to come to pass. I felt he wanted me to go to this man and tell him this word. I was afraid though. I was afraid to say those words that would probably be more powerful than anything he had experienced in his years of enduring this disease.
Today, as I have been praying about him - the Lord showed me a bit more. In my mind I saw this man lying there motionless in his bed. I saw what looked like words written in some foreign language scrolling over his sheets and paralyzed body. It was as if a transparency projector was projecting a scrolling story over this man. I could not read the language. I then noticed something else. Lying over his sheets there was a letter. It was handwritten and signed by Jesus. I knew that it was a translation of the story that was written all over this man in the language of the spirit. Though it was addressed to this man, Jesus had translated story for me and anyone who wanted to be able to read this man's story. This is essentially what it said:
"My Son, you're fine. All that you are able to do right now is enough. I am impressed with you because I love you. You are pleasing to me because I made you and I delight in you. You are my gift of mercy to everyone who has cared for you. You are a greater blessing that you can imagine. And all that you do is more than enough to do what I've asked you to do."
As I read the note, I knew it was true. It is true of that man and it is true of you and me. The Lord had given us this man as a gift. He is actually a spiritual picture of us. He is the Lord's mercy and it is written all over him. What he has endured has been our blessing. His helplessness offends us - it offends our minds. It forces us - if we are willing to look on him - to consider how strong we think we are. If we endure it - if we push through the pain of seeing ourselves in that man - the Lord will open our eyes to see his handwritten note that says that even when we are completely paralyzed, even if we cannot help ourselves or anyone else, even then - all that we do is more than enough for the Lord to love us.
Lastly, I really hope and pray that the Lord teaches me to regularly and easily notice the scrolling language of heaven written all over my patients (and anyone, for that matter). I want to be able to understand it and then be willing to boldly read it aloud for everyone to hear. We need to know the truth of who we are and what the Lord is saying about us - it is more valuable than we can imagine.
Lord, teach us your language.
Multiple Sclerosis is a disease that affects a person's nervous system. It slowly eats away at the physical wiring of a person's body. As time progresses, the person becomes more and more paralyzed. They are unable to perform any purposeful movements. In the end stages of the disease, they are often completely dependent on others to survive - they cannot eat, go to the bathroom, wash or change themselves. Often they require assistance even in breathing.
This week in the hospital, the first patient assigned to me had this disease. He had been in the hospital a dozen times in the last couple months for numerous lung infections and medical problems that he could not fight because of the MS. I admit that I was a bit scared to go in to visit with him. I looked into his room and saw a middle-aged man lying in a bed, unable to move, with his left arm contracted against his chest. He had an O2 mask placed over his neck which was blowing oxygen into his tracheostomy tube. Coming out of his belly was some sort of artificial umbilical cord - a PEG tube that was used to feed him since he could no longer swallow. Another yellow tube ran from under the sheets into a bag on the side of the bed - a catheter which drained his bladder since he was unable to control his urinary muscles anymore. There were other assorted tubes and monitors around. He had tubes to his blood, his bladder, his stomach and lungs, but the hardest thing for me to see was his eyes. He was just staring. He was like a zombie just staring at the wall. His eyes were slightly deviated - the muscles no longer able to keep his eyes straight. They seemed empty.
I was scared to go in. What was I going to do? I had not really been confronted with this sort of condition before - at least not to this degree. I suppose I simply convinced myself that I had a job to do, and so I went in.
I called his name, not sure if he could hear me. I put my hand on his knee and introduced myself - just hoping that he could understand me. It's a strange thing to talk with someone who can make no replies or efforts to communicate back. It gets uncomfortable really fast. I silently prayed in tongues over him as I listened to his lungs which were obviously filled with mucous which he was unable to cough up. (Even listening to someone's lungs feels invasive and intrusive when your patient doesn't give you consent. But, "I had a job to do," right?)
Torn between wanting to stay and endure my discomfort for the sake of growing and knowing that it could all end if I just left - I hesitated, staring out the window, still trying to offer silent comfort to him with my hand on his swaddled knee. But I felt helpless. Ironic, isn't it?
I visited this gentleman the next 2 days. Each day was the same. I wasn't sure if I was growing more comfortable around him, or if I was becoming more calloused - rejecting my own helplessness. I found myself fighting the urge to say those words which I'm sure he has heard a million times: "I wish there was something more I could do (for you)." I knew in my heart that those words would be poison to him and that they were NOT from the Lord. (Gosh, would that be like saying to a blind person, "I wish I could see this sunset more clearly." But the urge was there. There's something about our insatiable need to be able to "do something" that gives us a pseudo-sense that we have value. ...Interesting considering this man was the epitome of "unable to do something." If I were to speak those words, I knew that I would be implying that this man had absolutely no value at all - and that is NOT the Lord.)
I was on-call at the hospital Wednesday night. It was pretty slow, so I was lying on the couch in the call room. I was thinking and praying about this man. I thought of him lying in his bed just two floors above me. I thought of him staring at the wall - hour after hour. Unable to move or communicate. Just existing. "Lord! I don't understand! What are you telling me through him? what are you saying to him? Lord, yes, what are you saying to him? What would you have me say to him for you? What is your word?" Almost immediately I felt the Lord say,
"Tell him that all that he is doing is more than enough for my love."
I feel like I need to pause for a moment and let that ring in my mind.
Goodness, it is no secret that helplessness and loss of independence is one of our greatest fears - it's the number one fear of elderly people - and so I knew that this man - only in his mid 50s, had endured this fear in perhaps the most terrifying way. And yet, that was the target of the Lord's word to him: "all that you are doing (essentially nothing) is more than enough for me to love you."
I felt this urge in me to go up to his room. The Lord reminded me of the vision He gave me a long time ago: I saw myself in a hospital room praying over a patient who was peacefully sleeping. I realized that that vision is soon to come to pass. I felt he wanted me to go to this man and tell him this word. I was afraid though. I was afraid to say those words that would probably be more powerful than anything he had experienced in his years of enduring this disease.
Today, as I have been praying about him - the Lord showed me a bit more. In my mind I saw this man lying there motionless in his bed. I saw what looked like words written in some foreign language scrolling over his sheets and paralyzed body. It was as if a transparency projector was projecting a scrolling story over this man. I could not read the language. I then noticed something else. Lying over his sheets there was a letter. It was handwritten and signed by Jesus. I knew that it was a translation of the story that was written all over this man in the language of the spirit. Though it was addressed to this man, Jesus had translated story for me and anyone who wanted to be able to read this man's story. This is essentially what it said:
"My Son, you're fine. All that you are able to do right now is enough. I am impressed with you because I love you. You are pleasing to me because I made you and I delight in you. You are my gift of mercy to everyone who has cared for you. You are a greater blessing that you can imagine. And all that you do is more than enough to do what I've asked you to do."
As I read the note, I knew it was true. It is true of that man and it is true of you and me. The Lord had given us this man as a gift. He is actually a spiritual picture of us. He is the Lord's mercy and it is written all over him. What he has endured has been our blessing. His helplessness offends us - it offends our minds. It forces us - if we are willing to look on him - to consider how strong we think we are. If we endure it - if we push through the pain of seeing ourselves in that man - the Lord will open our eyes to see his handwritten note that says that even when we are completely paralyzed, even if we cannot help ourselves or anyone else, even then - all that we do is more than enough for the Lord to love us.
Lastly, I really hope and pray that the Lord teaches me to regularly and easily notice the scrolling language of heaven written all over my patients (and anyone, for that matter). I want to be able to understand it and then be willing to boldly read it aloud for everyone to hear. We need to know the truth of who we are and what the Lord is saying about us - it is more valuable than we can imagine.
Lord, teach us your language.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Sand & Stones
This past weekend was a blast. It's always a blessing to be able to worship the Lord - and this weekend I was very blessed indeed. Whilst praising my Savior, I had two "visions" that I would like to record and present for your encouragement:
Friday night as I was dancing before the Lord I saw in my mind a vast, open land. It was covered in sand like a desert. I looked and all that I could see was sand... for miles and miles. All of a sudden, various areas began to tremble and the sand bounced up and down as if something were vibrating below. I somehow knew as I looked over the land that there were hundreds of wells that had been stopped up but I could not see them because of the sand that had covered them. At once I could also see through the earth and into the wells... they were filling with water and building pressure... just like a geyser or volcano. The pressure kept building until finally all over the land the well covers were blown open and water exploded out into the air. It was incredible to see these hundreds of guysers blasting into the air! Soon, it began to rain - a mighty downpour... and not just from the geysers, but the rains were released and the floodgates of Heaven were opened! In just moments this barren land was soaked! I saw that the water from the wells began to mingle with the new rain and all of this joined to become a mighty river that joined with other streams and rivers down the way until all were flowing as one!
As I asked the Lord what this meant over the weekend, I believe I received 2 interpretations:
The first is that each of the wells represented physical, geographic areas where the Lord was brewing His Spirit and preparing His Children. Though none of them knew about the others (because they were all hidden under the sand), the Lord was preparing them to abide in Him independently - yet all the wells were experiencing the same thing - the same building of pressure and power of the Spirit. Just as a well finally had built up enough courage (pressure) to break out and tell the world about Jesus (they had finally defeated the fear of being the only ones), all the wells exploded together! Everyone was astonished at how many other wells exploded at precisely the same time! In doing this, the Lord first prepared His Children to abide in Him over abiding in their numbers. Not only that, He also built tremendous faith and unity in the Believers - raising courage even higher and causing all to be joined together in great joy and love!
The second interpretation/implication is that I knew the wells had been dug over the centuries by Lovers of God. Each had been dug by someone with a special anointing of the Holy Spirit. Yet, over the years, the wells had been covered and forgotten. What is happening at this time, however, is that the Lord is stirring the waters that have been covered and forgotten. He is about to re-release all the gifts and anointings that have ever been known throughout the whole earth throughout all time! This generation will know the miracles of Moses, Elijah, Jesus and all the others throughout our history. Not only that, but the Lord was causing New Rain to fall that mingled with the well water. He is raising up the Old and pouring out the New! The "greater works than these" are being released!!
So, take heart, for not only has Jesus not left us nor forsaken us, but there are many more of us than what we think! Furthermore, the Spirit is about to be poured out in an incredible way. We will see the Lord move and bring glory to His name with tremendous power!
The second "vision" that I had was significantly more sobering, but very powerful to me:
I saw that as the Spirit was released and the Lovers of God were moving in greater authority and grace, there were people who were watching and witnessing. I saw how many of them were curious and wanted to understand, but the disturbing thing was that I saw some almost immediately begin to reach to the ground ... they were reaching for stones! They were filled with anger and hatred and were ready to throw stones at those who were being moved by the Lord. What really broke my heart was that many of them were church-goers! Elders and pastors and Sunday School teachers! There were many who had professed Jesus, but with these out-pourings and manifestations of the Lord they were filled with anger and resentment. They were not prepared because they had made God into their image and this was not what they were expecting.
I saw something else, however. I saw that some of those who were reaching to grab stones... the ones who knew some of the Scriptures and who truly wanted to love the Lord, yet were deceived, as they were reaching for the stones, the Lord opened their eyes and they were immediately reminded of how the Pharisees had done the very same thing! They were cut to the heart and saw themselves as Pharisees! They repented right on the spot with great weeping and sorrow. Yet they had been spared from this sin. This was incredible to me! Just as the Lord had done with Paul, He did with these - and so the Lord was even redeeming many of those who would have stoned Him! To my great dismay, however, there were still very many who remained blind and committed to destroying and silencing this great move of God.
So, again, as has always been true, when the Lord moves, there is always opposition - and often it comes through "religious" people. But the Lord will even use their initial desire to "throw stones at Him" to draw many to repentance! God is so merciful and gracious!!
Be encouraged! God is really really real! And He is going to do some amazing things in our time! Be prepared... seek Him HARD! Like He is your greatest treasure! BECAUSE HE IS! AMEN!
Friday night as I was dancing before the Lord I saw in my mind a vast, open land. It was covered in sand like a desert. I looked and all that I could see was sand... for miles and miles. All of a sudden, various areas began to tremble and the sand bounced up and down as if something were vibrating below. I somehow knew as I looked over the land that there were hundreds of wells that had been stopped up but I could not see them because of the sand that had covered them. At once I could also see through the earth and into the wells... they were filling with water and building pressure... just like a geyser or volcano. The pressure kept building until finally all over the land the well covers were blown open and water exploded out into the air. It was incredible to see these hundreds of guysers blasting into the air! Soon, it began to rain - a mighty downpour... and not just from the geysers, but the rains were released and the floodgates of Heaven were opened! In just moments this barren land was soaked! I saw that the water from the wells began to mingle with the new rain and all of this joined to become a mighty river that joined with other streams and rivers down the way until all were flowing as one!
As I asked the Lord what this meant over the weekend, I believe I received 2 interpretations:
The first is that each of the wells represented physical, geographic areas where the Lord was brewing His Spirit and preparing His Children. Though none of them knew about the others (because they were all hidden under the sand), the Lord was preparing them to abide in Him independently - yet all the wells were experiencing the same thing - the same building of pressure and power of the Spirit. Just as a well finally had built up enough courage (pressure) to break out and tell the world about Jesus (they had finally defeated the fear of being the only ones), all the wells exploded together! Everyone was astonished at how many other wells exploded at precisely the same time! In doing this, the Lord first prepared His Children to abide in Him over abiding in their numbers. Not only that, He also built tremendous faith and unity in the Believers - raising courage even higher and causing all to be joined together in great joy and love!
The second interpretation/implication is that I knew the wells had been dug over the centuries by Lovers of God. Each had been dug by someone with a special anointing of the Holy Spirit. Yet, over the years, the wells had been covered and forgotten. What is happening at this time, however, is that the Lord is stirring the waters that have been covered and forgotten. He is about to re-release all the gifts and anointings that have ever been known throughout the whole earth throughout all time! This generation will know the miracles of Moses, Elijah, Jesus and all the others throughout our history. Not only that, but the Lord was causing New Rain to fall that mingled with the well water. He is raising up the Old and pouring out the New! The "greater works than these" are being released!!
So, take heart, for not only has Jesus not left us nor forsaken us, but there are many more of us than what we think! Furthermore, the Spirit is about to be poured out in an incredible way. We will see the Lord move and bring glory to His name with tremendous power!
The second "vision" that I had was significantly more sobering, but very powerful to me:
I saw that as the Spirit was released and the Lovers of God were moving in greater authority and grace, there were people who were watching and witnessing. I saw how many of them were curious and wanted to understand, but the disturbing thing was that I saw some almost immediately begin to reach to the ground ... they were reaching for stones! They were filled with anger and hatred and were ready to throw stones at those who were being moved by the Lord. What really broke my heart was that many of them were church-goers! Elders and pastors and Sunday School teachers! There were many who had professed Jesus, but with these out-pourings and manifestations of the Lord they were filled with anger and resentment. They were not prepared because they had made God into their image and this was not what they were expecting.
I saw something else, however. I saw that some of those who were reaching to grab stones... the ones who knew some of the Scriptures and who truly wanted to love the Lord, yet were deceived, as they were reaching for the stones, the Lord opened their eyes and they were immediately reminded of how the Pharisees had done the very same thing! They were cut to the heart and saw themselves as Pharisees! They repented right on the spot with great weeping and sorrow. Yet they had been spared from this sin. This was incredible to me! Just as the Lord had done with Paul, He did with these - and so the Lord was even redeeming many of those who would have stoned Him! To my great dismay, however, there were still very many who remained blind and committed to destroying and silencing this great move of God.
So, again, as has always been true, when the Lord moves, there is always opposition - and often it comes through "religious" people. But the Lord will even use their initial desire to "throw stones at Him" to draw many to repentance! God is so merciful and gracious!!
Be encouraged! God is really really real! And He is going to do some amazing things in our time! Be prepared... seek Him HARD! Like He is your greatest treasure! BECAUSE HE IS! AMEN!
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Rivers of Orange Juice
As I was perusing my journal, I came across something that I thought I could share. I'm not sure where it came from - whether I heard it from someone else or the Lord, but anyway...
A word from the Lord is like an orange:
You squeeze all the juice out until it seems there could never be any more.
In a moment of faith or curiosity, you return to the squeezed rind just to see if, hope against hope, there might be a drop left - just a drop.
Then, from the dry, shrivelled peel an outflow of juice overwhelms you!
20 to 30 times what was originally squeezed!
Such is the harvest of him who seeks beyond his understanding!
A word from the Lord is like an orange:
You squeeze all the juice out until it seems there could never be any more.
In a moment of faith or curiosity, you return to the squeezed rind just to see if, hope against hope, there might be a drop left - just a drop.
Then, from the dry, shrivelled peel an outflow of juice overwhelms you!
20 to 30 times what was originally squeezed!
Such is the harvest of him who seeks beyond his understanding!
Monday, March 12, 2007
Perfect Pitch, but Frozen Shoulder
I know that I just posted a blog the other day, but I have another story to share.
Today I was reminded that God will not be reduced to academics. Sometimes he will humor us and put up with us, but ultimately, God is God and he will be known as such and treated as such.
My patient today had passed out over the weekend and so she was brought to the hospital to investigate the reason why. She is in her 50s and has uncontrolled diabetes, over-medicated hypertension, and she had an operation years ago to remove 2 aneurysms in her brain. This operation left her with progressive hearing loss and occasional episodes of difficulty speaking and swallowing. As I talked with her I asked her if she was angry with the doctors who have cared for her. "Yes," she said. "I'm very angry. My hands are starting to swell, my hearing is getting worse, then I pass out... no one seems to be able to help me. And no one ever has time to listen to me." Even her son who is living in California doesn't have time... she hasn't seen him in 4 years. Then she set me up for the biggest home-run hit of the century: she said to me, "Sometimes I just don't know why I'm here." And she burried her head in her pillow.
Now, at that moment, I was moved - like I imagine you are. I was thinking, "Alright, let's smash this one home. It's perfect! God, I know this is the question that I can answer! Maybe I can't tell her anything about echocardiograms, but THIS, THIS is all mine!" ... right??
...wrong.
I don't know crap about this either. And it was important that the Lord show me that. I just stood there. I was full of confidence but had absolutely NOTHING to say to her. The perfectly lobbed pitch floated by and I just watched it. My arms could not move - they were paralyzed.
So, God, what's up with that? Talking with the Lord about it tonight I think he showed me: My heart was broken for her, yes, and that was good and right, but I was confident in my own ability to come up with an "academically spiritual" answer for her because, after all, I'm a Christian. I know my Bible. I sing worship songs. I might as well have a degree in Christianity. Ha. See, if I hadn't been so wise in my own eyes at that moment, I would have remembered the words of Daniel or the humility of Nehemiah! I would have openly said, "I'd love to tell you, but the Lord ALONE knows the hearts and purposes of man... may I talk with him on your behalf?" I have no doubt that if I had simply humbled myself before my King, He would have laid bare her heart and the purposes of her life for both of us!
Again, I rejoice in these moments where the Lord shows me what a fool I am, because I know he is constantly shaping and refining me.
So, here's the point... academic knowledge of God might enable us to recognize the perfect pitch (maybe) but only the power of God can give us the strength to smash it out of the park. Let's remember that He is God and He will be known as God.
"Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and he will [smash it out of the park]" (my paraphrase.
Bless you.
Today I was reminded that God will not be reduced to academics. Sometimes he will humor us and put up with us, but ultimately, God is God and he will be known as such and treated as such.
My patient today had passed out over the weekend and so she was brought to the hospital to investigate the reason why. She is in her 50s and has uncontrolled diabetes, over-medicated hypertension, and she had an operation years ago to remove 2 aneurysms in her brain. This operation left her with progressive hearing loss and occasional episodes of difficulty speaking and swallowing. As I talked with her I asked her if she was angry with the doctors who have cared for her. "Yes," she said. "I'm very angry. My hands are starting to swell, my hearing is getting worse, then I pass out... no one seems to be able to help me. And no one ever has time to listen to me." Even her son who is living in California doesn't have time... she hasn't seen him in 4 years. Then she set me up for the biggest home-run hit of the century: she said to me, "Sometimes I just don't know why I'm here." And she burried her head in her pillow.
Now, at that moment, I was moved - like I imagine you are. I was thinking, "Alright, let's smash this one home. It's perfect! God, I know this is the question that I can answer! Maybe I can't tell her anything about echocardiograms, but THIS, THIS is all mine!" ... right??
...wrong.
I don't know crap about this either. And it was important that the Lord show me that. I just stood there. I was full of confidence but had absolutely NOTHING to say to her. The perfectly lobbed pitch floated by and I just watched it. My arms could not move - they were paralyzed.
So, God, what's up with that? Talking with the Lord about it tonight I think he showed me: My heart was broken for her, yes, and that was good and right, but I was confident in my own ability to come up with an "academically spiritual" answer for her because, after all, I'm a Christian. I know my Bible. I sing worship songs. I might as well have a degree in Christianity. Ha. See, if I hadn't been so wise in my own eyes at that moment, I would have remembered the words of Daniel or the humility of Nehemiah! I would have openly said, "I'd love to tell you, but the Lord ALONE knows the hearts and purposes of man... may I talk with him on your behalf?" I have no doubt that if I had simply humbled myself before my King, He would have laid bare her heart and the purposes of her life for both of us!
Again, I rejoice in these moments where the Lord shows me what a fool I am, because I know he is constantly shaping and refining me.
So, here's the point... academic knowledge of God might enable us to recognize the perfect pitch (maybe) but only the power of God can give us the strength to smash it out of the park. Let's remember that He is God and He will be known as God.
"Humble thyself in the sight of the Lord and he will [smash it out of the park]" (my paraphrase.
Bless you.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
The Tonsillectomy Denial
2007 is now upon us. Undoubtedly the Lord has a great deal planned for His children this year. Just as 2006 saw incredible growth in many of His children across the nations, I have no doubts that 2007 will also see unprecedented acceleration in revelation, wisdom, authority, and intimacy with the King of Kings. These are exciting times the Lord has placed us in. The great adventure of faith is getting really good - I hope you are in with your whole heart! It's the only way to ride!
Anyway, in light of the anticipation of the Lord's glory this year, I believe the Lord let me experience a wake-up call this final month of 2006. He shook me to my core. Bless the Lord, though, He knows what He's doing.
My December rotation was an Ear, Nose and Throat surgical rotation. I thought it would be interesting as well as very practical knowledge if I do end up in family practice. Everyone has a runny nose and almost everyone snores. So, ENT.
The thing about this rotation was, however, that I basically went through the month with a perpetual feeling of awkwardness. Not only was it my first time in the OR, but the physician I was with did surgeries at Metro, Greenville Hospital, Spectrum South Pavilion, and a Surgical Center on the east side of town, not to mention that he saw patients at a Grand Rapids office and a Greenville office. So, with the awkwardness of not knowing where to stand or what to do, I also felt like I was going to a new and foreign facility every other day.
It's worth saying that in the OR you never really know what you're supposed to do. The Surgical Techs may be nice or incredibly rude. If you stand as far out of the way as possible, you're inevitably in the way. If you try to stay alert and anticipate the directions that people are moving, you're ALWAYS wrong - in other words if you move to get out of a tech's way, the tech who was making a beeline for you will concurrently change her trajectory, and again, you are in the way. You might as well just let them run you over. If that's not bad enough, you're constantly trying to keep up with the doctor as he bounces between the OR, the pre-op area, the waiting room to talk to family, the post-op area, the lounge, the cafeteria and so on. You never know if he's going to the operating room or the bathroom - so you just follow. It's always fun when you're hauling down the corridor, walking side by side (say, you're on his left side) so as not to feel like a baby duckling following it's mother, and the doc makes an unanticipated left turn – right into you – it's very awkward. The picture I am trying to paint here is that I just felt out of my element - nearly the whole time. Self-confidence was at a serious low.
So, there's the setting, here's the story.
Since Dr. ENT worked like a madman, it was unusually difficult to find time to read the Word. One morning, however, about two weeks into the month, lecture was cancelled, so I decided I would eat some breakfast and read the Word for a bit in the cafeteria.
After reading through Habakkuk, I went to the library to copy some material on rhinitis (runny nose) which I quickly perused as I walked up to the OR.
When I arrive, I was greeted with the usual, "Hi Chris, how was lecture?"
Me, being, well, … I think in my heart I wanted to be bold, so I set myself up, but my faith did not match my intent.
"Well, it was cancelled, so I sat and read for a bit."
"Oh yeah, what did you read about?"
All at once weakness overwhelmed me. All I could see was that I was uncomfortable in my scrubs, mask and hat-thingy, in a horribly uncomfortable cold, tiled room with grumpy medical people. I choked.
"...rhinitis." I sheepishly replied - and lied.
He then proceeded to quiz me on allergies, septal deviations, bacterial and viral infections and... well, ... whatever.
But could I really say "Habakkuk" in the middle of the OR? Wouldn't that put the patient at risk as Dr. ENT was yanking out the tonsils? I couldn't drop such a bomb all nonchalantly like that could I?
I really didn't realize the implications of this episode until later that week as I actually took time to dialog with the Lord about it. At the moment, I thought, "Oh, God understands. It was just an awkward moment for me." And though I do think the Lord understands and I have never once felt that He was angry with me, He did convict me in a painfully beautiful way.
As I was praying, a certain disciple suddenly came to mind:
Peter.
...
Lord, thank you for letting me see this. Thank you for letting me feel this. I know that you are not angry with me, but that in your mercy you showed me that I was afraid of being who I am. Thank you for revealing to me that you have called me to a life abundant and that an abundant life does not have be insecure no matter who is in the room.
After this event, the month dramatically improved. With that conviction came tremendous freedom. I committed to being honest whenever the opportunity came up. I would be proud of my heritage as a child of God and not back down from speaking the truth. I tell ya, there is a great deal of peace that comes with confidence in who you are and the commitment to not denying it.
So, I believe that the Lord allowed me to experience this in order to break me of fear. I think that He has great plans for January 2007 and that the lesson of December 2006 was integral. I look forward to "trying to get kicked out of medical school" as I live with the Spirit in my heart and the Truth in my voice! Bless the Lord! May His conviction and discipline never cease in my life! His freedom is too precious!
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