How long will this last? How many more? How many lashes does it take to make us pure? How many times must I get back up before I am completely emptied? Lord, it's so hard - knowing that all I have to say is "enough" and it will stop. But not my will, Lord. I will go willingly if that's what you ask.
How did He do it? sometimes it hurts. it hurts a lot.
Isn't it funny how sometimes we don't see what the Teacher wants us to see?
Today I learned that I failed another test - and with that test, the pathology portion of my cardiology class. By God's grace, I was actually able to rest in the Lord's love for me. I actually didn't feel defeated by it... not until I saw what the Teacher wanted me to see.
One of the heart photographs that we were tested on had a shiny spot on it. When I was taking the test, I didn't even take note of the shiny spot. I unconsciously wrote it off as a glare from the light reflecting off the heart. As it turns out, however, that shiny spot was the essence of the test. It was scar tissue - and the key to passing the quiz.
I missed what the teacher wanted me to see. But, what's worse, I missed what the Teacher wanted me to see.
When class was dismissed - one of my friends asked me how it went. Did I pass? I smiled and sheepishly confessed I'd come up short. In my heart - though I didn't mind my friend knowing - I was a little less than glad that he asked me in that particular setting - in front of other classmates - it forced me to be vulnerable. I know he genuinely cares, and I really have no problem with him knowing - it's just the other people in the room.
Then, as I stood up from my seat, another friend standing a couple rows behind asked me how it went. Again, though I was completely comfortable sharing with her my deficiency in accumulating enough points - she asked me across 2 rows of students - and so, across two rows, I kind of mumbled "I didn't make it." I mumbled it so softly that she had to ask again. So, I just nodded my head to indicate that I hadn't passed. I felt in my heart that I was very uncomfortable with this experience and was a little upset that I was being asked to air my academic inadequacies across two rows of med students, no less.
It is not until now that I see what the Teacher wanted me to see.
Why was I so afraid to be revealed in front of my classmates? The Teacher wasn't concerned about how well I did on the pathology test - but how I would really handle it in my heart - and would my heart be willing to be vulnerable - to be exposed - not just to my friends and the ones who care about me - but to those who don't - and maybe even my enemies.
The Lord gave me two opportunities this morning to pass this test - to conquer my fear of being exposed. I wasn't even looking where He wanted me to look. I missed it. This hurts worse than not passing the cardio test.
I still have brokenness.
I'm still hiding.
I'm still scared of being exposed.
I can still put on a front like the best of them.
Now the hard part:
Lord, this hurts. It hurts to feel like I've finally gotten past counting on you alone for my affirmation - only to find that now you're asking me to willingly and joyfully expose my weaknesses. Not just between me and you. Not just in front of those who love me. But now in front of those who will laugh at me. I didn't see what you wanted me to see the first two times....
will you give me another chance?
this hurts.
*btw, to those two people who asked me how I did... I'm in no way upset with you and love you very much. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your willingness to be used by the Lord on my behalf.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
"He who has ears, let him hear."
I've shared with some of you my vision for writing a book sometime in my future on the concept of "homeostasis." I'm not exactly sure that this will become a reality, but I thought I would share this idea with you ... as well as a new revelation the Lord gave me the other night.
In my "A Thanksgiving Revelation" entry, I mentioned that all things tend to find a state of balance - in the medical/physiologic world, we call this balance "homeostasis" or "equilibrium." Now we all understand that balance has to do with finding a point of compromise between two extremes. Balancing a budget is finding the perfect compromise between money spent and money earned/saved. A gymnast balancing on a balance beam has perfected the art of keeping his body weight perfectly over the beam - no more to the left than to the right. I find this concept very fascinating because I feel it has incredible spiritual implication.
Before I go there, though, I want to share with you how the chemical and physiologic concepts of equilibrium and homeostasis give this idea of "balance" a more dynamic color. Hopefully I can convey this in not too "scientific" terms - we'll see. Alright, say we have a chemical reaction going. We throw two different solutions into a beaker (I hate to do this, but I think it will be easier to understand if I use some letter notation: so, our first two solutions are A and B... sorry). Ok, the two are going to mix and interact and do their reacting. Now we would all assume that the two reactants (solutions) would completely combine to form the new product (C) and there would be nothing left of the first two (A and B). We assume we have A + B = C, all of A mixes with all of B to leave nothing but C, but this is not really what happens. The truth is that the two reach a point of equilibrium between the first two solutions and the product. Some or most of A will join with some or most of B to give us mostly C, but also some leftover A and B, even if there are equal amounts. So, at any one point we would be able to take a sample of the mixed solution and find some of everything. There might be more of C than A and B, but they would all be there. Additionally, the solution is, in a way, alive because single molecules of A and B are constantly changing from being joined together to falling apart. They may stay together for 10 seconds and then fall apart for 1 second. But they keep switching. So, equilibrium is that point where the numbers of molecules of A and B and C aren't changing anymore. Individual molecules are switching, but every time one set of A and B break apart, another A and B join together. The numbers are constant. We could almost say that the solutions are in a constant state of tension - a pushing and pulling between A and B against C, but there is no obvious movement anymore. This point of tension is where life exists.
In the human body, well, in every living thing, cells are busy making stuff, using nutrients, producing waste, getting rid of waste, sending out their products to other cells, and many other functions. The way they stay alive is by toying with that equilibrium tension. One cell needs some of A but has too much of B so it pumps out B, but another cell gives it A. In the body, this is amazingly tuned. What do we have, several billion cells or something? And they all communicate with each other to send out what they have too much of and gladly accept that which they need. (Goodness, sounds like something Jesus said - but that's not where I'm going right now.) So, life exists in a constant state of tension that we call homeostasis. In fact, the difference between a dead person and a living person is that a living person is still in a state of tension, the dead person has lost the delicate balance between his cells... at least this is the physical explanation.
Alright, if you're not burned out yet, and you're still reading, here comes the spiritual revelation and application. Just as our bodies find life right in the midst of physiologic tension, so our spirituality finds its existence in the midst of spiritual tension. For example, we have the big dichotomies like life and death, poverty and wealth, love and hate. These are seemingly obvious in their placements into the "desirable" and "undesirable" categories, but I think that this whole issue of tension is more dynamic than just "We desire to live, to have wealth, and to love." This is true, but the role of death, poverty, and hate are not useless. (Goodness, I sound like I'm about to inform you of "the power of the dark side.") What I am trying to say is that there is a purpose for each end of the spectrum: we'll just use life and death as our example.
Jesus said that unless a seed dies, it cannot bring forth new life. Unless we die to ourselves and are born again, we cannot experience newness of abundant life. So, in this sense, the Lord says that death is absolutely necessary and an important part of life – maybe even good. Do you see what I mean?
Life and death seem to be pretty clear-cut. But we can take this further... say, Justice and Mercy? There is a moment when it is perfectly representative of the Lord's character to bring justice, but He is also the perfection of mercy. Or how about Confidence and Humility? Is there a time to be confident and a time to be humble? Or, are they really different faces of the same thing? You could certainly be confident, and also be humble. But the world might not recognize it. What about further being able to discern between true, godly, confidence and pride or arrogance? That’s a bit tougher. Or humility and shame or self-pity (which is pride, too)? Even sorrow and depression are not the same. The Lord sanctifies holy sorrow, but depression is the devil's perversion of it.
Here's just a list of some of these dichotomies that I've come up with:
Blessings-curses, pain-numbness, poverty-wealth, death-life, truth-deception, first-last, hot-cold, sin-righteousness, grace-judgment, light-dark, good-evil, diversity-unity, love-hate, justice-mercy, sight-blind, hearing-deafness, joy-sadness, peace-confusion/war, shame-humility, beauty-ugliness, pride-confidence, dissonance-harmony, knowledge-foolishness, hunger-satisfaction, work-rest, time-eternity, reaping-sowing, harvesting-planting, suffering-comfort, building-tearing down, gather-scatter, laughter-mourning, flesh-spirit, mind-heart, strength-weakness.
See, there are quite a few - and I'm sure that's just scratching the surface. And these dichotomies exist by the Lord's design, so I am left believing that there really is a "time and purpose for every season." Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and also the Lord of Hosts. He is the First and the Last. He is the image of perfect balance.
Hopefully, I’m making my point here about the presence of this spiritual tension that exists between these different ends of the spiritual spectrum. Just like in our cells or in a beaker, we expect that when we come to Jesus we get life, peace, joy, grace, strength, and eternity. I think this is true, but I think it’s more true that the Lord gives us equilibrium. He shows us how A+B doesn’t exactly equal C. It does, but there’s more. There is a reason why A and B still exist. The Lord purifies our perception of reality. In our spiritual lives, we start to see how death and life are connected - how the Lord gives us peace, but we are also called to fight in His army – the Lord will give us strength, but that’s usually only when we see how weak we are – and He gives us eternity, but that doesn’t negate the time that He’s given us here and now.
I am fascinated by the significance of the crucifixion with regard to this idea. When Jesus dies, I think the heavens and earth shook partly because in this moment, the two ends of this spiritual spectrum got bent around and superimposed on each other. In the same moment that Jesus died, He gave life; in the same moment He who was righteous became sin and we who were sinners became righteous; He was exalted, but only through His humility; in His ugliness, we became beautiful; His work gave us rest; He was hated so we could be loved; He became the curse so we could become the blessing.
Jesus set the perfect example of perfect balance - of perfect homeostasis - equilibrium. He put light and darkness together without making it turn gray. He blended the Lion and the Lamb without destroying either. I think this is what it means to be a follower of Jesus: we long to walk the way He did. We want to be "perfect as He is perfect." We want to cry when He cries and laugh when He laughs. We want to be willing to be poor that we might have true riches. We want to humble ourselves so that He can exalt us in His time. We want to acknowledge our deafness and blindness so that we can come to Him to hear and see. We accept His judgments in our lives because we believe in His love and His desire to purify us.
So, this is, to me, another picture of what it means to be a child of God. We live in homeostasis with the Lord.
My final revelation to end this entry with is borrowed from our physical anatomy. One night I was laying in bed thinking about all this homeostasis and dichotomies in reality stuff and my mind was drawn to thinking about cranial nerves. It seemed odd, but I just kept exploring the direction the Lord was taking me. The human body has 12 cranial nerves which control many of our senses in the head and they also affect some in the body. They are never very fun to learn about because of their complexities. However, now that I've had to learn them half a dozen times, I really appreciate them. I started thinking about cranial nerve VIII - the Vestibulo-Cochlear nerve. It is called this because one branch goes to the vestibular system where we get our sense of balance and the other branch goes to the cochlea - the ear, where we get our hearing. As I was lying in bed, I asked the Lord, "Lord, why did you design us so that hearing and balance are on the same nerve?"
"The degree to which your life finds balance in Me is dependent on the degree to which you listen to Me."
Whoa. Seems simple, but the truth of the matter is really that the more we choose to listen to the Lord, the more we will understand His perfect timing and be able to live in spiritual homeostasis. Even Cranial Nerve VIII testifies!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Prioritizing: the Challenge of a Busy Life
It seems I always have something going on in my head. I told the Lord that just because I was going to medical school, I in no way wanted to drop out of His school… in fact, I’d much rather drop out of med school. So, the Lord has been faithful to educate me … usually it hasn’t been like a one credit elective either. It’s usually been a multi-dimensional course that ends up culminating in the last few lessons where I see how all the pieces fit together. The dialog that the Lord and I have been dealing with over the last few months has been with regard to setting priorities and living them out.
Now, as with any dissertation that I put on this thing, I offer my thoughts humbly. I know that the Lord is constantly molding me, stretching and changing my perception of Him. I’m so thankful for this. But, the place that I’ve come to in this God-course merits an entry – if not for anyone else, at least for me when I find myself struggling with this again.
As I compare the American culture with those of other nations and cultures, it’s very apparent how dominantly “Type A” we are. In fact, in the name of evolutionary progress, Type A seems to be the next step in natural selection. If you can’t produce and keep up with the next guy, well, basically, you’re bound for extinction. Consequently, we live in a constant state of fear and panic: we have unending sympathetic nervous stimulation resulting in ulcers, sleep deprivation, excessive trips to fast food joints in the name of efficiency and convenience, heart attacks and high blood pressure, poor relationships, and more toys, money, and academic degrees than ever.
Now, I don’t propose that hard work and diligence are bad things. As we will quickly see, the issue of priorities is a very dense one, with many facets. Perhaps this is why the Lord has used the last couple years of med school to break me and re-form me in this area. But, in spite of the seeming progressive benefits of diligence, my current position is that we’re so concerned with being in the 99th percentile, that we’ve lost track of our balance. We’re so afraid of the Lord thinking we’re lazy that we have built altars to our education and careers. So, this article is going to be a large push back to the other side of the spectrum.
As Christians we say things like “as long as we do it unto the Lord” or “he who doesn’t work, doesn’t eat” or “a little sleep, a little slumber...” And these things are true… but like many of our Christian clichés, they are twisted in our minds. They are read or said through the voice of the Law and not of the Spirit. We don’t hear “Don’t be a lazy sluggard who only cares about himself and what others can do for him,” but instead we hear, “Be a super driven goal-oriented successful person who only thinks about himself and how he can get above the rest of the competition.” In essence, I believe the underlying condition is not the desire to persevere through trials for the sake of building faith in the Lord, but it is more the exact opposite: fear and a lack of faith.
What in the world am I talking about? Well, I look around and see so many people without smiles on their faces. Everyone is afraid. As a med student, this is amplified. Just the other day we had a cardiac pathology exam. Now, this course is conducted by the ominous Dr. Siew, who has been around for ages. She is about 4’10” and well into her 80’s, but she is no cute old woman. She strikes fear into the hearts of giants. With her British accent she is unashamed to call you an idiot to your face. She commands attention and everyone cowers in fear to her. Now, this is ridiculous to me. Sure, we should respect her and treat the material seriously, but to assume that she has the ability to give life and death is a bit excessive. The reason everyone is afraid is because they are all focused on their career goals, and this woman seems like a threat. The thoughts I hear reeling through these med students' heads sound something like: “If I fail this 30 point test then I’ll have to retake cardiology and that means I’ll have to wait another year to do my clinicals in the hospitals and then I won’t graduate for another year, so I won't be making money but, what's worse, everyone will think I’m stupid and not qualified to be a doctor… they'll all go on ahead of me and leave me behind, and I’ll feel stupid and probably have to drop out of med school and find another job, but I’ve spent so much time studying medicine that I probably couldn’t even get another job,… I’d have to go back to college and learn something else, then go to another grad school so that I can get another job to pay off all this stinking med school debt… oh my goodness! Dr. Siew holds my life in her hands!!” Perhaps this train of thought is legitimate for non-believers, but as Christians, this is a sin. This is idolatry. And we shall have no other gods before us… not even those who seemingly have the power to promote or demote us. Remember, no position is given to any man without the Lord calling it to be. I am a son of God and a friend of Jesus. I am not to fear anyone. I am to love others, but I am to expect my bread to come from the Lord.
So, because people are terrified for their careers, they spend sleepless nights worrying about the exams, studying and STUDYING and STUDYING so that they won’t be caught off guard and fail the test - or rather, in life. Again, it’s good to study, but this is not the same as diligence, this is fear… because our success is completely dependent on putting in the extra time - giving “110%” and “going above and beyond.” (By the way, I’ve come to think that these phrases were coined by the devil himself. The Lord never asks this… He asks us to keep step with Him, not to run ahead or fall behind.)
So, with this particular exam, I chose the opposite approach: I didn’t even go up to the lab to look over the slides because just being around all those panicky people rips my faith out. So I spent several hours looking through a histology text, some images online, and just reading the course pack. My number one objective was not to freak out. “Do not be anxious about ANYTHING.”… not even cardiac pathology… or Dr. Siew. So, that’s what I did. I had so many panicking people say to me, “Aren’t you at all concerned about this?” … “no”… “Aren’t you going up to the lab?” … “no.” “Are you crazy??!” … “no, are you?” See, I committed to not worrying and studying a bit, but at all costs, not freaking out.
The night before the test, I got a call from a Christian buddy of mine. He said that he had found some really good study materials and wondered if I would like to look over them with him the next day before the test. Now, I’m not so foolish as to not accept the Lord’s hand when it is offered, so I met him and we looked over the stuff. I learned quite a bit and also had a chance to talk with him about some Jesus stuff.
By the way, I think we, as believers should expect the Lord to help us out. And we should know that He enjoys it. He's not like us - who get annoyed when someone needs our help. The Lord actually likes it when we ask Him to help us. And, truthfully, I think the more we become like the Lord, the more we will become addicted to helping others out as well. So, I think the Lord definitely gets our back - and it's a good thing... not a shameful thing that shows we "weren't prepared enough."
So, after my friend and I studied a bit, we went up to the lab for the exam and all faces were stern. Not a happy face in the room, except mine… I was making funny faces to my friend Lauren trying to get her to lighten up and know that the Lord really does have more authority than Dr. Siew. We took the test. I thought I did alright… I’m actually not sure yet, we’re still waiting for the results, (so maybe I shouldn’t be writing this yet) but the thing is, before the exam AND after, I have still been in a better spot: even those who crammed and studied endlessly left saying “I think I failed! Oh no! What was number 2? What did you put? Do you think she’ll give us extra points?” Seriously, people are out of control. I, on the other hand, who spent more time doing other things like talking with people who needed encouragement or giving people rides to the post office than I did studying, was perfectly happy just to know that the Lord has never let me down. Even my failures He has turned into successes. So, say I fail it… does that mean the Lord is angry with me? Nope. This is where I come to diligence, priorities and the work of the Lord.
I’ve come to a realization that the Lord has programmed us to have a set priority list in our spirits: #1 – Himself, #2 – relationships with a) our spouses/children/and other family, b) other believers and c) non-believers, #3 – everything else – careers, education, whatever. The reason everyone is stressed out is because they are rearranging the priorities and trying to force themselves to go out of order. God designed us to function this way: “Seek first the kingdom and all these things shall be added.” As Christians we may all agree that this is the right order… because we know in our hearts that this is the way it should be. But to look at our lives… our actions and thoughts we’d soon realize that we are much more concerned with #3. We’re afraid that if we don’t excel in whatever we’re doing so that we are the best and brightest, God will think we slacked so we won’t get a job and won’t be able to provide for our children’s children. After all “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children” you know! (Pro 13:22). But, again, what does this mean? I think this is a promise and not a guilt trip. I think it means that the former actually comes first: leaving an inheritance to your grandchildren doesn’t make you a good man, but, by being a good man… putting first things first, the Lord will also watch over your grandchildren. After all, the rest of the verse says “But a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.” It doesn’t say “stored up for the harder worker.” It says the “righteous” – those who hunger for the Lord. Those focused on keeping the priorities as #1, 2, 3 - and not 3, 2, 1.
We take so much responsibility and pressure on ourselves to achieve. You know, the Lord really does love us – just as we are. He wants us to live in peace and freedom, not in fear and insecurity. What did Jesus tell His disciples? “Don’t even take an extra tunic with you when you go to do My work,” “The worker is worth his wages,” “Don’t worry about tomorrow – what you will eat or wear,” "If anyone wants you to walk one mile with him, go two," “Seek My kingdom first and all else will be added.”
The life of faith is really that. It’s a life of faith. We are so self-sufficient and Type A that we personalize everything as success or failure. You know, some of the times I’ve felt the most love from the Lord and grown the most in trusting Him have been when I have “failed” in the eyes of the world.
Again, I’m not saying that we should be slackers and moochers all the time. But, actually, sometimes it is good to be dependent on someone else. After all, we are dependent on the Lord, and He’s not mad about it,… He designed it that way. I think it’s much more dangerous to think that we are so capable and that if we just work a bit harder, we’ll get the results we want. It’s just messed up.
So, this is what we need to do: we need to be more concerned about passing the Lord’s tests than Dr. Siew’s. We should desire to be much quicker to help others… to be generous, to share, to consider others better that ourselves, to see needs in other people and meet them before our own than we are about our own academic goals and career objectives. We need to be willing to set aside EVERYTHING when the Lord brings someone to us who we know He has called us to minister to (not to preach the gospel to, but to LOVE on.) If your wife needs you to be near her… drop whatever else it is you’re doing and do it. She’s more important, you know it. Same for your kids. I’m hoping the Lord gives me the faith where I would be willing to lose my job before I’d miss one of my kids’ soccer or basketball games. My children are (well, will be) more important than my job. I need to trust that Lord will really provide for me. He SAYS He will.
The point I have been trying to make is this: WE NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING! Let’s be faithful with loving God, then people, and then be faithful with our careers. The Lord really isn’t impressed with our academics or paychecks. He’s just not. He wants our hearts. Even if our works are “religious works” He still doesn’t care. He wants to know us and for us to know Him... Not accomplish “missions” for Him… know Him. It’s that simple.
I’ve often thought that us helping the Lord is like a little 5 year old girl wanting to help her mom bake cookies. Of course the girl can’t actually help the mother. But the mother is pleased to be spending time with the daughter. In fact, the daughter probably gets in the way, but for the sake of being together, the mother delights in the daughter wanting to help. Same, say for a son who wants to help his mom or dad with something… the child can’t actually help. But the parent loves the child and wants to spend time with the child. That’s the way the Lord is with us. If we suddenly think we can bake the cookies and handle the oven and everything on our own, not only will we ruin the cookies, but we’ll probably burn down the house as well.
The last thing I want to say is that the key to enjoying the freedom of experiencing the Lord’s provision is this: ALWAYS BE THANKFUL! It’s really not that revolutionary, but it’s so key. If we respond to everything that happens in our lives with praise and thanksgiving, the doors of heaven will open above us and we will be afraid of nothing and we will experience incredible revelation from the Lord. It’s what we were designed to do. We, as believers, really need to be the most joyful and happy people in the world. After all, we have the most reason to be.
So, this is a small excerpt from my recent lessons on priorities. These are my new priorities: I’m trying not to take myself so seriously – my “successes” or my “failures.” I’m learning to desire to know the Lord more than I try to impress Him and I’m trying to always be willing to help another out – even if I have a test the next day. As long as I keep loving God and others first, I will count on the Lord for “adding all those other things.” So far, I have no reason to doubt Him. And lastly, no matter what comes – be it rain or shine, famine or harvest, pass or fail – I want to be the kind of child who always says, “Thank you, Father. I will never stop praising you.”
Now, as with any dissertation that I put on this thing, I offer my thoughts humbly. I know that the Lord is constantly molding me, stretching and changing my perception of Him. I’m so thankful for this. But, the place that I’ve come to in this God-course merits an entry – if not for anyone else, at least for me when I find myself struggling with this again.
As I compare the American culture with those of other nations and cultures, it’s very apparent how dominantly “Type A” we are. In fact, in the name of evolutionary progress, Type A seems to be the next step in natural selection. If you can’t produce and keep up with the next guy, well, basically, you’re bound for extinction. Consequently, we live in a constant state of fear and panic: we have unending sympathetic nervous stimulation resulting in ulcers, sleep deprivation, excessive trips to fast food joints in the name of efficiency and convenience, heart attacks and high blood pressure, poor relationships, and more toys, money, and academic degrees than ever.
Now, I don’t propose that hard work and diligence are bad things. As we will quickly see, the issue of priorities is a very dense one, with many facets. Perhaps this is why the Lord has used the last couple years of med school to break me and re-form me in this area. But, in spite of the seeming progressive benefits of diligence, my current position is that we’re so concerned with being in the 99th percentile, that we’ve lost track of our balance. We’re so afraid of the Lord thinking we’re lazy that we have built altars to our education and careers. So, this article is going to be a large push back to the other side of the spectrum.
As Christians we say things like “as long as we do it unto the Lord” or “he who doesn’t work, doesn’t eat” or “a little sleep, a little slumber...” And these things are true… but like many of our Christian clichés, they are twisted in our minds. They are read or said through the voice of the Law and not of the Spirit. We don’t hear “Don’t be a lazy sluggard who only cares about himself and what others can do for him,” but instead we hear, “Be a super driven goal-oriented successful person who only thinks about himself and how he can get above the rest of the competition.” In essence, I believe the underlying condition is not the desire to persevere through trials for the sake of building faith in the Lord, but it is more the exact opposite: fear and a lack of faith.
What in the world am I talking about? Well, I look around and see so many people without smiles on their faces. Everyone is afraid. As a med student, this is amplified. Just the other day we had a cardiac pathology exam. Now, this course is conducted by the ominous Dr. Siew, who has been around for ages. She is about 4’10” and well into her 80’s, but she is no cute old woman. She strikes fear into the hearts of giants. With her British accent she is unashamed to call you an idiot to your face. She commands attention and everyone cowers in fear to her. Now, this is ridiculous to me. Sure, we should respect her and treat the material seriously, but to assume that she has the ability to give life and death is a bit excessive. The reason everyone is afraid is because they are all focused on their career goals, and this woman seems like a threat. The thoughts I hear reeling through these med students' heads sound something like: “If I fail this 30 point test then I’ll have to retake cardiology and that means I’ll have to wait another year to do my clinicals in the hospitals and then I won’t graduate for another year, so I won't be making money but, what's worse, everyone will think I’m stupid and not qualified to be a doctor… they'll all go on ahead of me and leave me behind, and I’ll feel stupid and probably have to drop out of med school and find another job, but I’ve spent so much time studying medicine that I probably couldn’t even get another job,… I’d have to go back to college and learn something else, then go to another grad school so that I can get another job to pay off all this stinking med school debt… oh my goodness! Dr. Siew holds my life in her hands!!” Perhaps this train of thought is legitimate for non-believers, but as Christians, this is a sin. This is idolatry. And we shall have no other gods before us… not even those who seemingly have the power to promote or demote us. Remember, no position is given to any man without the Lord calling it to be. I am a son of God and a friend of Jesus. I am not to fear anyone. I am to love others, but I am to expect my bread to come from the Lord.
So, because people are terrified for their careers, they spend sleepless nights worrying about the exams, studying and STUDYING and STUDYING so that they won’t be caught off guard and fail the test - or rather, in life. Again, it’s good to study, but this is not the same as diligence, this is fear… because our success is completely dependent on putting in the extra time - giving “110%” and “going above and beyond.” (By the way, I’ve come to think that these phrases were coined by the devil himself. The Lord never asks this… He asks us to keep step with Him, not to run ahead or fall behind.)
So, with this particular exam, I chose the opposite approach: I didn’t even go up to the lab to look over the slides because just being around all those panicky people rips my faith out. So I spent several hours looking through a histology text, some images online, and just reading the course pack. My number one objective was not to freak out. “Do not be anxious about ANYTHING.”… not even cardiac pathology… or Dr. Siew. So, that’s what I did. I had so many panicking people say to me, “Aren’t you at all concerned about this?” … “no”… “Aren’t you going up to the lab?” … “no.” “Are you crazy??!” … “no, are you?” See, I committed to not worrying and studying a bit, but at all costs, not freaking out.
The night before the test, I got a call from a Christian buddy of mine. He said that he had found some really good study materials and wondered if I would like to look over them with him the next day before the test. Now, I’m not so foolish as to not accept the Lord’s hand when it is offered, so I met him and we looked over the stuff. I learned quite a bit and also had a chance to talk with him about some Jesus stuff.
By the way, I think we, as believers should expect the Lord to help us out. And we should know that He enjoys it. He's not like us - who get annoyed when someone needs our help. The Lord actually likes it when we ask Him to help us. And, truthfully, I think the more we become like the Lord, the more we will become addicted to helping others out as well. So, I think the Lord definitely gets our back - and it's a good thing... not a shameful thing that shows we "weren't prepared enough."
So, after my friend and I studied a bit, we went up to the lab for the exam and all faces were stern. Not a happy face in the room, except mine… I was making funny faces to my friend Lauren trying to get her to lighten up and know that the Lord really does have more authority than Dr. Siew. We took the test. I thought I did alright… I’m actually not sure yet, we’re still waiting for the results, (so maybe I shouldn’t be writing this yet) but the thing is, before the exam AND after, I have still been in a better spot: even those who crammed and studied endlessly left saying “I think I failed! Oh no! What was number 2? What did you put? Do you think she’ll give us extra points?” Seriously, people are out of control. I, on the other hand, who spent more time doing other things like talking with people who needed encouragement or giving people rides to the post office than I did studying, was perfectly happy just to know that the Lord has never let me down. Even my failures He has turned into successes. So, say I fail it… does that mean the Lord is angry with me? Nope. This is where I come to diligence, priorities and the work of the Lord.
I’ve come to a realization that the Lord has programmed us to have a set priority list in our spirits: #1 – Himself, #2 – relationships with a) our spouses/children/and other family, b) other believers and c) non-believers, #3 – everything else – careers, education, whatever. The reason everyone is stressed out is because they are rearranging the priorities and trying to force themselves to go out of order. God designed us to function this way: “Seek first the kingdom and all these things shall be added.” As Christians we may all agree that this is the right order… because we know in our hearts that this is the way it should be. But to look at our lives… our actions and thoughts we’d soon realize that we are much more concerned with #3. We’re afraid that if we don’t excel in whatever we’re doing so that we are the best and brightest, God will think we slacked so we won’t get a job and won’t be able to provide for our children’s children. After all “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children” you know! (Pro 13:22). But, again, what does this mean? I think this is a promise and not a guilt trip. I think it means that the former actually comes first: leaving an inheritance to your grandchildren doesn’t make you a good man, but, by being a good man… putting first things first, the Lord will also watch over your grandchildren. After all, the rest of the verse says “But a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.” It doesn’t say “stored up for the harder worker.” It says the “righteous” – those who hunger for the Lord. Those focused on keeping the priorities as #1, 2, 3 - and not 3, 2, 1.
We take so much responsibility and pressure on ourselves to achieve. You know, the Lord really does love us – just as we are. He wants us to live in peace and freedom, not in fear and insecurity. What did Jesus tell His disciples? “Don’t even take an extra tunic with you when you go to do My work,” “The worker is worth his wages,” “Don’t worry about tomorrow – what you will eat or wear,” "If anyone wants you to walk one mile with him, go two," “Seek My kingdom first and all else will be added.”
The life of faith is really that. It’s a life of faith. We are so self-sufficient and Type A that we personalize everything as success or failure. You know, some of the times I’ve felt the most love from the Lord and grown the most in trusting Him have been when I have “failed” in the eyes of the world.
Again, I’m not saying that we should be slackers and moochers all the time. But, actually, sometimes it is good to be dependent on someone else. After all, we are dependent on the Lord, and He’s not mad about it,… He designed it that way. I think it’s much more dangerous to think that we are so capable and that if we just work a bit harder, we’ll get the results we want. It’s just messed up.
So, this is what we need to do: we need to be more concerned about passing the Lord’s tests than Dr. Siew’s. We should desire to be much quicker to help others… to be generous, to share, to consider others better that ourselves, to see needs in other people and meet them before our own than we are about our own academic goals and career objectives. We need to be willing to set aside EVERYTHING when the Lord brings someone to us who we know He has called us to minister to (not to preach the gospel to, but to LOVE on.) If your wife needs you to be near her… drop whatever else it is you’re doing and do it. She’s more important, you know it. Same for your kids. I’m hoping the Lord gives me the faith where I would be willing to lose my job before I’d miss one of my kids’ soccer or basketball games. My children are (well, will be) more important than my job. I need to trust that Lord will really provide for me. He SAYS He will.
The point I have been trying to make is this: WE NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING! Let’s be faithful with loving God, then people, and then be faithful with our careers. The Lord really isn’t impressed with our academics or paychecks. He’s just not. He wants our hearts. Even if our works are “religious works” He still doesn’t care. He wants to know us and for us to know Him... Not accomplish “missions” for Him… know Him. It’s that simple.
I’ve often thought that us helping the Lord is like a little 5 year old girl wanting to help her mom bake cookies. Of course the girl can’t actually help the mother. But the mother is pleased to be spending time with the daughter. In fact, the daughter probably gets in the way, but for the sake of being together, the mother delights in the daughter wanting to help. Same, say for a son who wants to help his mom or dad with something… the child can’t actually help. But the parent loves the child and wants to spend time with the child. That’s the way the Lord is with us. If we suddenly think we can bake the cookies and handle the oven and everything on our own, not only will we ruin the cookies, but we’ll probably burn down the house as well.
The last thing I want to say is that the key to enjoying the freedom of experiencing the Lord’s provision is this: ALWAYS BE THANKFUL! It’s really not that revolutionary, but it’s so key. If we respond to everything that happens in our lives with praise and thanksgiving, the doors of heaven will open above us and we will be afraid of nothing and we will experience incredible revelation from the Lord. It’s what we were designed to do. We, as believers, really need to be the most joyful and happy people in the world. After all, we have the most reason to be.
So, this is a small excerpt from my recent lessons on priorities. These are my new priorities: I’m trying not to take myself so seriously – my “successes” or my “failures.” I’m learning to desire to know the Lord more than I try to impress Him and I’m trying to always be willing to help another out – even if I have a test the next day. As long as I keep loving God and others first, I will count on the Lord for “adding all those other things.” So far, I have no reason to doubt Him. And lastly, no matter what comes – be it rain or shine, famine or harvest, pass or fail – I want to be the kind of child who always says, “Thank you, Father. I will never stop praising you.”
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