David

this is a different genre that I am experimenting with. I hope you enjoy it. there may be more to come with this particular story.

A time not too long ago in a place not far from here, there lived a young peasant boy. He was meek and soft-spoken, shy and a little intimidated by the other boys who would often shout and call out for attention. He was a quizzical young lad and often passed the lonely hours watching the other children interact as they pushed and shoved and vied for whatever it was that they wanted. It was not a rare occasion when the boy would lay in his bed looking out through the window at the quivering autumn leaves or the glistening winter stars and wonder about his life and where he belonged in such a great and majestic world. This particular boy's name was David.

Now David was not necessarily the best of boys, but his heart was good. Though he couldn't explain it, it seemed that there was always someone watching out for him. Whenever his curiosity would get the best of him and he would make his way to join in with the other children, he would seemingly always step into a mud puddle – even on a clear day. His foot would get so wet and make him so uncomfortable that he forgot his curiosity and turned to go back home. His mother would ask, "Why did you step in the puddle and get your foot all dirty?" But David felt shame because he knew he had been trying to go and join the other children.

Time passed and David's curiosity turned to resentment against the other kids. He began to think, "They're just bad people. Who cares about them anyway?" But in his heart he felt rejected and lonely and didn't understand why they always seemed to get what they wanted, but every time he wanted to join them, all he got was a dirty foot.

It was around this time that the young man met someone – a very interesting person who David didn't know, but somehow he recognized – from somewhere. He was an elderly man, humble in his blue overalls and his drab, weathered overcoat, and yet dignified. He seemed very gentle and in his eyes there was something different – a warmth, a security. In his hand he held a watering hose with which he watered the flowers along the path.

"I've been watching you since you were young," the man said in a calm yet regal voice. "I've seen how you are curious about the other children. I've seen how you have wanted to join them because you were lonely and wanted to be a part of the fun they were having."

David was somewhat alarmed that this man knew his heart so well – that even though he never actually made it to join the others, he had wanted to and this man knew it.

"Yeah, but every time I tried to join them, I stepped in a puddle – even on a clear day!" David retorted – trying to hide his shame behind an inflection of victimization.

"I know," the man said as he waved the hose back and forth over the flowers.

"I would like to show you something," he continued. "If you are willing, I would like to teach you what I know. I would like to show you who you are and what your purpose is and why you always stepped into the puddles before you were able to join the others."

David looked into the man's eyes with curiosity and skepticism. Since David was a young man who often thought about such things in his life, he was very curious. But how could this man possess such information – the details of David's life? Yet, looking into the man's eyes there was something deeper, something that comforted – it was as if there was a tangible wisdom hidden there that required no defense, no explanation – it just was.

"Uh… o – ok," David hesitantly agreed, "I will come see what you would like to show me."

"Very well. Come, follow me."

And the two walked along the path.

No words were said along the way, although David's mind was racing. It was just his nature to question and wonder, yet his thoughts did not seem to raise doubt in him, only a desire for understanding.

They arrived at a small, unimpressive home. It was old, but well cared for. It had the same sort of welcoming and yet strangely distinguished demeanor that the old man had.

"Take off your shoes," the man instructed, "I need to see your feet."

"Oh, ok," David said, "but I have to tell you, they're still a bit dirty from stepping in those puddles." He was still shameful about his feet, but since the old man already seemed to know about his stepping into puddles, he figured there was no use in trying to hide it from him.

The man squatted down and examined the dirty feet.

"Why didn't you wash them?" the man asked.

"Well, I tried. I actually tried a lot. I used many soaps, hot water, cold water – it just wouldn't come off."

"Uh huh," the man said as he produced a basin of water and began to wipe the boy's feet.

"Hey! The dirt is coming off! But… huh… how…?"

"If you are to be clean, you must let me be the one to wash you."

David was so grateful. He was so tired of having dirty feet. And though no one knew about his feet because they were hidden under his shoes, he knew, and he was ashamed.

"Thank you so much, sir. I never thought I could be clean again."

"You are welcome."

After that, David was somehow changed. His resentment against the other children dissipated. Since his feet were finally clean, he no longer wanted to risk stepping in puddles to go and join the others. In fact, he wanted to tell the others about the man who could wash feet, but this was a harder task than he had thought since the others were so preoccupied with their pushing and shouting. They just couldn't hear David calling from behind the mud puddles. Only those who drifted away from the crowd could hear him and even then, only some wanted to have their feet washed.

Several years went by and the old man would teach David as often as David decided to visit. Some seasons David came nearly every day. Other seasons, he did not come as often. It was during those seasons where he did not visit the old man that he became more and more aware of how he was forfeiting something very precious – something hard to explain, but of great value. When David would regularly go to learn from the man, even though there still were trials at home and at his school, he had a strange peace that gave him happiness. David soon realized that regularly visiting the old man was the most important decision he could make for his life. And so David and the old man spent more and more time together, and they were both glad.

David grew and matured. He trusted the old man and hung on every word – and yet there were many questions that David had that the man did not answer, or else he would give a reply that didn't even seem to fit with his question. One thing that the man would often say to David was, "you are the son of a king." David never really understood this because, as far as he knew, he was born of a pauper – a meager family without much at all. David soon realized that the man was not referring to any sort of wealth or status, but that it was something else that the man was teaching him.

One day David was again going to the house of the old man. He arrived and knocked on the door. It was always unlocked so when no one came to the door, he just walked in. He skipped and hopped along, whistling in a cheery mood just looking at the knick-knacks and trinkets hanging from the walls and decorating the shelves. The man had not come to greet him yet, so he continued his casual exploration.

Down at the end of the hall, David's attention was drawn to a great light that was shining beneath a large wooden door. He cautiously and curiously made his way down the corridor and slowly pushed open the door.

Light poured out of the room as its brilliance nearly knocked David to the floor like a giant wave. He tried to shield his eyes, but it was no use. The glory was terrifying and made David more scared than anything he'd ever seen before.

Just then, the light began to fade and as David's eyes began to adjust, he saw the old man buttoning up his weathered coat and closing a cardboard box.

"Wha - what was that?" David was still trembling. "Wha-what just happened? What's in that box?"

"My son, I have told you many times now about who you are."

"Y- yes," David was trying to regain his composure.

"I am the King."

"I have called you friends."

As the summer days peeled away and the next major phase of my medical education drew nearer, I found myself praying a different sort of prayer. I was leaving a God-sent network of believers, a familiar city, and a world that had seemingly only just become comfortable for me. I knew that I would soon find myself in a constantly shifting merry-go-round of medical rotations where every month I would have to walk into a completely foreign setting and learn quickly where to stand and what to do. I began asking the Lord to go before me in a new way: not only did I desire that He show me himself and that He fill me with courage and peace, but it came to mind to ask the Lord to open the eyes of my heart to be able to recognize who His children were. If I only had a short time in each rotation, I thought it would be encouraging to know if there were other believers and who they were. This has been a very exciting prayer and the Lord's answer has had me both in laughter and in tears.

#1. The Jamaican Lobby Singer

While on my first rotation, Internal Medicine, I had the opportunity to go on a road trip to a couple of nursing homes north of Grand Rapids with my precepting physician. He is a difficult man to read, rarely making eye contact, and generally just not very good at making you feel welcome. He is pleasant, just hard to read. I decided a nice road trip might just be the sort of thing that the Lord wanted to use to get us some good conversation time. So, I agreed to go. (I learned later that I was the first one to ever volunteer to go with this doctor on his visits to the nursing homes – and he has had students for a good long time.) He instructed me to meet him at the hospital lobby at 7:30 am.

It must have been 7:25 or so when I walked out to the lobby. Across the way there was a custodian getting ready to vacuum the carpet. He was black, maybe 6 feet tall, mid 30s. But something else caught my attention. I recall having a thought zip through my mind: "I think this guy is a friend of Jesus." No sooner did the thought leave my mind than this gentleman began to sing! In the middle of the lobby, with his vacuum cleaner in hand, this man began singing some old spirituals – full voice and with a thick Jamaican accent! "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot!" A huge smile exploded on my face. WOW, Lord! He IS one of yours!

As I waited some of the doctors and nurses were entering by the lobby entrance. They would look over at the singing man then pass by where I was sitting. Some wouldn't look at me; others made a look as if to say "what a weird guy… who sings in a hospital lobby??" I just continued to smile.

I made my way to the man.

"You know," I said to this regal custodian, "when I first walked over here I immediately had the feeling that you knew Jesus. As soon as I thought that, you started singing."

"The Lawd bring us togetha like magnets, don't he," he replied with a heavenly smile.

I introduced myself and he told me his name was Morris. We shook hands, very grateful to have met one another and to know yet another one of the Lord's children. I was incredibly inspired by this experience… but this was just the first.

#2. The Kingdom of Heaven Belongs to Such as These

The next month on my pediatrics rotation I was blessed with a great deal of free time. In spite of having to be at the hospital at 6 am every morning to round on the neonates, I often had 2 or 3 hours in the late morning to read or study. I mostly used that time to journal and read the Word. One of these mornings I was sitting alone in the cafeteria reading my Bible. A shadow crossed my table and I looked up to see another custodial man. He was older than Morris – late 40s. He wore glasses and had a slightly lazy eye and a humble smile. He sort of hobbled as he approached me.

"Hello," I said.

"I – I didn't know if I should come over here," he hesitantly stuttered. "I saw you reading. Some- sometimes I – I like to read here too... oh, I – I didn't know you were reading the Bible… o – ok, I don't want to bother you. You are busy."

"Oh, no, my name's Chris," I said.

"Oh- okay. Hi."

I glanced at his name tag. It said: William. "Do you go by Bill?" I asked.

"Yeah – yeah."

"Nice to meet you, Bill."

"Nice to meet you, Chris."

We shook hands.

I could tell that he was still debating in his mind whether he should be talking with me or not. You see, I was wearing a shirt and tie. I had my white coat on with my stethoscope around my neck. I had the "doctor" look going, I guess. I sensed that maybe Bill had been more used to just not being noticed by the "white coats" and so he was awfully nervous to have approached me. And so he waved and cautiously stepped backward. "O – ok, well, ok." And he went back to his table.

Not many days later, I saw Bill again on the OB floor. I was rounding with the doctor, an intern, and another medical student. We passed by Bill with his cleaning cart in the corridor.

"Hi, Bill," I said.

He looked up and waved, smiling.

"O – ok, Hi," he replied in the same reluctant manner as before in the cafeteria. My doc was on the move, and so I was unable to chat with Bill at that moment.

After finishing the rounds with the doctor, I was making my way to the elevator and I passed him again.

"Well, we're getting to see a lot of each other, aren't we!" I said.

"I – I didn't know if I should say hi before. You were busy and with the doctor and …"

"Of course you can say hi to me, Bill," I interrupted.

He smiled, saying his okays and his hesitance seemed to be dissipating.

"See you around, Bill."

Bill and I now run into each other at least several times a week and we always have a brief little chat – just an encouragement for each other or a friendly "Hi, Bill!" "Hi, Chris!"

Though this story is not quite as "supernatural" as my encounter with Morris, I include it here almost as a sequel to the story of Victor whom I wrote about in "A Friday Afternoon with a King." I had learned from Victor that Jesus often shows up in the unnoticed people and I surely don't ever want to miss him.

#3. "I'd like you to meet my friend…."

This month I'm doing a family practice/OMM rotation at the resident clinic. I've had a great deal more time with patients and I have been feeling more and more comfortable with my history and physical skills. Since there are fewer opportunities to escape to be with the Lord on this rotation, I have been trying to use my lunch hours.

One noon hour, I decided to get some Taco Bell. I ordered my lunch and sat at a table in the corner. As I was journaling and reading some Zechariah, a man walked in. He was bald, maybe late 40s or early 50s, and was dressed in the clothes of a journeyman. At first I thought I recognized him so I continued to watch him waiting for him to turn around. When he did, I realized that I did not know him. Yet I was drawn to him.

"Lord, is this like Morris? Is he one of yours? Do you have any words for him that you'd like me to share with him?"

I started praying for the man and wrestled in my mind as to whether my thoughts were from the Lord or from myself.

The man got his food and started making his way over to the table right next to mine. As it was about time for me to be leaving, I was packing up my stuff. I grabbed my bag as he went to sit down. I was very nervous (it still gets me a little trembly to give words to strangers.) I made eye contact with him and we both paused for a moment. I hesitated, but knew it was now or never.

"I started praying for you when you walked in. I felt that the Lord said that you were very close to him."

"Yes, I am." He replied.

"And He is walking with you today."

"Thank you." He smiled.

I was still so nervous that I somewhat hurriedly smiled, nodded and left.

As I walked to my car, his reply echoed in my head: "Yes, I am." "Yes, I am."

Now, as I sat in my car, I lost it. I just started crying. At the moment I didn't really even know why. I'm not really an overly emotional person, but the Lord had touched me right there. I came to realize something, though: it wasn't just the fact that the Lord had used me to give a small word of encouragement to this man… this was something I had never felt before ---

Have you ever had a friend that you thought was much cooler than you? Someone you just were honored that they noticed you and that they said "hi"? Maybe a bit how Bill was feeling at first with me? How would you feel, then, if that friend who you thought was so cool – so much higher-class than you – introduced you to another one of his friends? As if he were proud enough of you that he would introduce you to another one of his cool friends.

Well, this is the best way I can explain what I felt there in my car. I felt that the Lord had just introduced me to another one of his friends – like he was pleased to have me encounter one of his best friends. It really broke me down. God, who is so much cooler than me actually wanted me to meet one of his cool friends – a man whose eyes possessed depth – the sparkle from years of sacrifice and depending on the Lord. Of course, the Lord has blessed me with knowing so many of his children. But I had never realized what a true honor and privilege it is to know another believer – one of God's children – one of his best friends.

And so, through Morris, Bill, and the man at Taco Bell, the Lord has been graciously and powerfully answering my prayer – my prayer that he would open my eyes to see who his people are. I really believe that this is a prayer that the Lord wants to answer for us all. I believe that as times get rougher and the end draws nearer, the Lord will be increasingly pouring out His Spirit and we will be more and more dependent on Him for many things – this being just one. Imagine how incredible will it be when we can walk into a room of strangers and by the Spirit know which ones are the friends of God!

Spiritual Insight from Medical Pathology

Cardiac Tamponade in a very basic sense is when something gets into the pericardial sac that shouldn't be there. It squeezes the heart and prevents it from pumping blood the way it should. The heart cannot expand.

Cardiac tamponade is the same as thorns – the cares of the world.

The heart's job is to receive and give what it receives for the sake of the body.

Since the pericardium's purpose is protection – to protect the heart from pain of friction and to serve as a barrier to bacteria and infection, it would seem like a bigger cushion would be a good thing. More fluid or air = better protection. But this is exactly the opposite of what is true. The pericardium can only function as it's meant to when there is just enough fluid – no more no less. "Give us this day our daily bread."

This is the same perception we have with our physical blessings. Sometimes we think that having more is better because it equals protection – more insurance – protection in case of trouble. But having more in your pericardium – more "cushion" actually inhibits your ability to receive and therefore your ability to give. As a result, the whole body suffers.

How do you fix cardiac tamponade? A surgeon drains the pericardium. How does a rich man enter the kingdom? Goes through the eye of a needle. He loses the extra fluff. The Surgeon strips off the excess. Then the heart finds it can actually receive more and give more – the way it was designed to.

Atherosclerosis

Atherosclerosis is a disease of the great vessels in which there is deposition of calcium and lipids in the intima of the vessel. There is a fibrous plaque that covers it and sometimes this can rupture causing a big problem.

The arteries are communication pathways to supply the body with nutrients and to take away waste.

I feel that atherosclerosis is as gossip and bitterness in churches. It is more likely to occur in places of turbulence – places where the path isn't easy – places where the blood (the resources) must be distributed so that the whole body is fed.

These are places of exaggerated communication and must be on high alert against gossip and personal sensitivity to statements that are made. If a "root of bitterness" is formed because on of the cells takes offense to something, that root will begin to affect all the cells. Not only this, but in order to "not make a big deal" the person may develop a "fibrous cap" and hide that which offended them. This is effective for a little while so that the whole operation can continue without much of a hang-up. But bitterness unaddressed is worse than pausing the operation to deal with it. When it ruptures it runs

the risk of killing everything downstream.

Atherosclerosis can be prevented by making sure not to eat too much fatty food – don't indulge ourselves in the gossip of others. It can also be helped by exercise – by focusing on doing the work of the Lord, the whole body can become more efficient at everything it does. It can handle going into more "gossipy" places to bring the light of Jesus because its metabolism is stronger. If you have been feeding off of gossip for a long time, your metabolism for ministering to gossipers is not very strong and you probably are not called to minister to them. Maybe after your cholesterol has dropped significantly and you've stayed there for a while, then you will have authority to speak against gossip. Lastly, the intima (us as individuals) can do our part by not listening to the gossip. Whether it is about us or someone else… we must not let ourselves to become bitter. We must cast our cares on the Lord and count on Him for our affirmation.

A Prayer for Worship

I include these prayers and snapshots of my relationship with the Lord for no other reason than that 1) you can learn a tremendous amount about a person by the way they pray (so you get to know me better) and 2) maybe by reading my prayers you will be encouraged or built up in your faith. Be blessed!

June 30, 2006

Lord, be blessed by our worship tonight. Anoint us to touch your heart. May the holy and pure praise of your name by your children be so distasteful to any demons or evil strongholds that they have to flee – the walls fall down and we have freedom to call on your name with truly open hearts – hearts longing to be filled with your truth and love. Give us open hearts that give you freedom to move on us in whatever way you want – whatever seems good to your heart. Lord, we don't want to be afraid anymore – we don't want to be afraid of you. We don't understand how it is that you love us like you say you do. We have so many questions. We've been hurt – we've been taken advantage of – by each other – Lord, some of us feel that you took advantage of us and hurt us. Oh how that must hurt your heart. When you gave your son – your only son – Lord your word says that it was your will to crush your son – the only one who loved you – Jesus was the only one who was not selfish unto death – he was the only one who loved you and you were pleased to kill him for me. Oh Lord! You were willing to pay such a great price for me and yet I would question your love for me. Yet I would think you would desire to hurt me. Oh, Father, thank you for your patience with us. Lord, we want to know you. We want to know what's real. We want to trust you. We want to let you love us and lead us through the adventures of this life – as brief as it is. Lord, we want to let you show us the mysteries and secrets of your heart. We want to learn how to love others so much that we don't have to always be looking over our shoulders to see if someone's going to hurt us. I want to trust that you are making me into the man you've called me to be. You're dreams for me are so much better than my own. You're teaching me how to have victory in all things as I learn to rejoice in you and your faithfulness. Pour out reconciliation and forgiveness on us, your Children. Give us humble hearts to encourage and serve and not to point the finger or criticize – teach us how to extract the beautiful from the worthless – just like you do with me. I want to be like you. I want to see my circumstances and others the way you do – through eyes of love and hopefulness and not judgment and insecurity, Lord. I thank you that you've made us a family and that we need each other. I love my brothers and sisters so much. Thank you for loving each of us personally and having special moments with each of us – but thank you for giving us each other that we can sacrifice for each other serve each other. We can practice learning to be like you. We want your life living in us – not just stagnant in our heads – but alive in our hearts – changing our character – transforming us to love fearlessly – to give generously – to forgive unconditionally – to lay down our lives that we might find them completely alive and renewed in you. Lord, we're tired of feeling broken and hopeless – if we're gonna be broken, Lord, let us at least be broken and hopeful – hopeful because of your promises – hopeful because you do not lie – hopeful because your thoughts over us are loving kindness and restoration and redemption. Lord, we're broken, but you told us that if we would just grab your hand you would heal me – you would give me faith – you would give me a reason – you'd give me hope. You said so, Lord. Lord, we're scared. We've never done anything like this before. Some of us are hurting so much that we just want to quit. We can't stay where we are, but we're afraid to follow you. Lord, no more. No more. We're scared. But we're ready. Forgive me for being ashamed of you. I am not ashamed of you. I am no longer going to make you into what I think you are. I'm no longer going to assume that you're like me. If you were like me I would have every reason to be afraid of you. But you're not like me. You are willing to die for your enemies. You are willing to give every crumb of food you have so that you the ones who seek to kill you can live. You are not like me. I will rejoice in you, my Savior. I will sing your praises from the rooftops. I will proclaim your name to the nations. I will lift you up before kings and princes. I will rejoice in you in the midst of pain and suffering. I will call on you in my distress and you will hear me. I will reach for you and you will save me. I will seek you and chase after you with my whole heart and you will let me find you. I will leap from this cliff with nothing but your promise to catch me because your promise is more real, more true, more solid than this ground I'm so afraid to leave. Bless the Lord oh my soul! Bless the Lord.

Truth Telling

I've had it in my mind to write this blog for several months now. The content is derived from assorted experiences in medical school and though I have not formally written on this issue I have had many thoughts and conversations about it and find it very interesting.

Just as Jesus opened our eyes to see that murder is not just killing, but it is also anger toward a brother; and adultery is not simply sexual promiscuity but starts in the eyes - so living a life of honesty - of true truth-telling, is not just not lying or not cheating, but it is much deeper and much more difficult than simply NOT doing something - but intentionally DOING the right thing. Let me explain.

Over the last few months I've learned from myself as well as others that we all say so many things with the intent to manipulate - we victimize ourselves, we seek to illicit pity, we seek illicit praise, we feed our insecurities – and all of this is obvious in the way we talk - in the very words we choose to use.

Jesus said in Matthew 12:34 that "out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." I confess, the more I pay attention to the words of my mouth, the more I am able to see that there is still definite darkness in my heart. It has been humbling and encouraging – humbling to see how even when I am thinking I'm doing well, there is still more work to be done, and encouraging to know that the Lord is still taking me higher.

So, here are a couple quick examples of the slyness of dishonesty:

Oftentimes, when we are questioned about our priorities, say, someone invites you to a church function or something, we often give a patterned response of "oh, well, I'd like to, but I can't" or "Thanks, but I'm not sure what's going on yet." To say "I can't" is almost never true – because it implies either lack of transportation or something that is physically preventing us from doing it. At least, the more I say "I can't" the more I'm convinced that it's just a lie. Even if it's money or time or transportation, there is almost ALWAYS a way to do something. The real translation of "I can't" is probably more like "It's just not a priority for me." Whatever the potential response, I think it is better to just be honest, than to lie and think that your lie will be received better.

Another example was brought to my attention a couple weeks ago when I continually told a story of an event that I witnessed at the medical office I was working at. I had seen someone do something that offended me and really affected my respect for this person. In spite of the Holy Spirit continually saying, "you should not be telling this story" I did anyway. I later realized that I was telling the story simply because I knew it would get a rise out of others as well. It was an emotionally charged story and people would think that I was a good story teller or that I am special because of my unique insight into medical mishaps. Basically, the Lord showed me that the reason it was so hard for me NOT to tell the story was because I was insecure about people accepting me and I wanted the attention I could get from sharing a story of someone else's error. In essence, I was not covering this person's shame, but exploiting it for my own glory. How horrible is that?!

So, the point of this testimony is to say that telling the truth is not just in the facts that you relay, but in the motivation we have for saying or not saying something. Am I truly guarding my tongue so that everything I say is with a genuine heart of love and compassion, both for my friends AND my enemies? Am I speaking as if I were saying the very words of the Lord?

As it says in James, if anyone can truly control his tongue, he is perfect and able to control the whole body as well. I believe that crucifying our tongues is one of the hardest and yet most profitable things we can ask the Lord to do for us. After all, the Lord spoke and the universe came into being – and we are created in His image. Imagine the authority that the Lord would give to us if we sought with all our hearts to use the power of our words exclusively for the Lord and His Kingdom! There is tremendous power in our words and I believe the Lord really is raising a generation who has such a chokingly tight rein on their tongues that they are completely under the direction of the Spirit. The flesh will have no outlet in our words anymore. Hallelujah!

Lastly, I'm becoming more and more convinced that Jack Nicholson's classic line "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!" is quite true of many people – myself included. Since we really have not completely learned to put our faith and trust in God, we end up putting it in man. And since we do not truly know how to live on "every word that comes from God" we live on the words of man. This makes us incredibly vulnerable to man and, consequently, insecure in who we are and God's sovereignty – which then takes away our ability to love with the love of God, and so we end up making judgments that are founded in the wisdom of man and the world, and not the wisdom of God and heaven. We may take offense to simple things that people say to us – even if they are true and spoken from a heart of love.

The conclusion to the matter, then, is that it is of the utmost importance that we take our language seriously – not only for the sake of our relationships with one another, but even more so that we might be trusted with greater anointing and authority from the Lord. We want to honor him in all that we do and say – and it seems the latter may be the more challenging.

thoughts on leadership

We always have a choice in the way something ends by the way we choose to begin it.

But does that mean we go in without expectations?

Wait. No - just different expectations.

Not so much expectations of winning or losing - but as Psalm 37 says - expectations of truly showing Godly character.

Be the nice guy - but more than that.
Stand tall and strong in the authority and freedom of Jesus.
Confidence, not arrogance.
Wisdom, not information.
Purity.
Joy that is unexplainable and magnetic.

Being a "good leader" has nothing to do with not getting upset - it has to do with cheering for those who made it and helping them be their best.

A servant like that could be mistaken for royalty.
And royalty he would be.

The Melody of Your Grace

Oh Perfect One

Oh Beautiful

Oh Lover of my soul and

Satisfier of my every desire

I look to the Heavens

I soar through the sky

My wings are lifted by the joy of Freedom

I feel the clouds and breathe the air

The cool fresh air

From here I swirl and dive and twirl

Wherever your wind blows me

I am completely and totally free

I fall backward through the air

Caught by a cloud that envelops me

As a soft, deep Comforter

The sweetness in the air surrounds me

And draws me to your majesty

Up here there is no worry

There is no concern

Though I may fall to the earth,

Yet I will float lightly upon the melody of your grace

When troubles come and fear comes to draw me away from you

I will close my eyes and fly

I will soar through the sky

I will remember that I am yours

And again, I will float upon the melody of your grace

~CC


I was reading my journal entry from a year ago and this is what I found. I thought it blog-worthy.

sometimes it hurts.

How long will this last? How many more? How many lashes does it take to make us pure? How many times must I get back up before I am completely emptied? Lord, it's so hard - knowing that all I have to say is "enough" and it will stop. But not my will, Lord. I will go willingly if that's what you ask.

How did He do it? sometimes it hurts. it hurts a lot.

Isn't it funny how sometimes we don't see what the Teacher wants us to see?

Today I learned that I failed another test - and with that test, the pathology portion of my cardiology class. By God's grace, I was actually able to rest in the Lord's love for me. I actually didn't feel defeated by it... not until I saw what the Teacher wanted me to see.

One of the heart photographs that we were tested on had a shiny spot on it. When I was taking the test, I didn't even take note of the shiny spot. I unconsciously wrote it off as a glare from the light reflecting off the heart. As it turns out, however, that shiny spot was the essence of the test. It was scar tissue - and the key to passing the quiz.

I missed what the teacher wanted me to see. But, what's worse, I missed what the Teacher wanted me to see.

When class was dismissed - one of my friends asked me how it went. Did I pass? I smiled and sheepishly confessed I'd come up short. In my heart - though I didn't mind my friend knowing - I was a little less than glad that he asked me in that particular setting - in front of other classmates - it forced me to be vulnerable. I know he genuinely cares, and I really have no problem with him knowing - it's just the other people in the room.

Then, as I stood up from my seat, another friend standing a couple rows behind asked me how it went. Again, though I was completely comfortable sharing with her my deficiency in accumulating enough points - she asked me across 2 rows of students - and so, across two rows, I kind of mumbled "I didn't make it." I mumbled it so softly that she had to ask again. So, I just nodded my head to indicate that I hadn't passed. I felt in my heart that I was very uncomfortable with this experience and was a little upset that I was being asked to air my academic inadequacies across two rows of med students, no less.

It is not until now that I see what the Teacher wanted me to see.

Why was I so afraid to be revealed in front of my classmates? The Teacher wasn't concerned about how well I did on the pathology test - but how I would really handle it in my heart - and would my heart be willing to be vulnerable - to be exposed - not just to my friends and the ones who care about me - but to those who don't - and maybe even my enemies.

The Lord gave me two opportunities this morning to pass this test - to conquer my fear of being exposed. I wasn't even looking where He wanted me to look. I missed it. This hurts worse than not passing the cardio test.

I still have brokenness.
I'm still hiding.
I'm still scared of being exposed.
I can still put on a front like the best of them.

Now the hard part:
Lord, this hurts. It hurts to feel like I've finally gotten past counting on you alone for my affirmation - only to find that now you're asking me to willingly and joyfully expose my weaknesses. Not just between me and you. Not just in front of those who love me. But now in front of those who will laugh at me. I didn't see what you wanted me to see the first two times....


will you give me another chance?




this hurts.








*btw, to those two people who asked me how I did... I'm in no way upset with you and love you very much. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your willingness to be used by the Lord on my behalf.

"He who has ears, let him hear."

I've shared with some of you my vision for writing a book sometime in my future on the concept of "homeostasis." I'm not exactly sure that this will become a reality, but I thought I would share this idea with you ... as well as a new revelation the Lord gave me the other night.

In my "A Thanksgiving Revelation" entry, I mentioned that all things tend to find a state of balance - in the medical/physiologic world, we call this balance "homeostasis" or "equilibrium." Now we all understand that balance has to do with finding a point of compromise between two extremes. Balancing a budget is finding the perfect compromise between money spent and money earned/saved. A gymnast balancing on a balance beam has perfected the art of keeping his body weight perfectly over the beam - no more to the left than to the right. I find this concept very fascinating because I feel it has incredible spiritual implication.

Before I go there, though, I want to share with you how the chemical and physiologic concepts of equilibrium and homeostasis give this idea of "balance" a more dynamic color. Hopefully I can convey this in not too "scientific" terms - we'll see. Alright, say we have a chemical reaction going. We throw two different solutions into a beaker (I hate to do this, but I think it will be easier to understand if I use some letter notation: so, our first two solutions are A and B... sorry). Ok, the two are going to mix and interact and do their reacting. Now we would all assume that the two reactants (solutions) would completely combine to form the new product (C) and there would be nothing left of the first two (A and B). We assume we have A + B = C, all of A mixes with all of B to leave nothing but C, but this is not really what happens. The truth is that the two reach a point of equilibrium between the first two solutions and the product. Some or most of A will join with some or most of B to give us mostly C, but also some leftover A and B, even if there are equal amounts. So, at any one point we would be able to take a sample of the mixed solution and find some of everything. There might be more of C than A and B, but they would all be there. Additionally, the solution is, in a way, alive because single molecules of A and B are constantly changing from being joined together to falling apart. They may stay together for 10 seconds and then fall apart for 1 second. But they keep switching. So, equilibrium is that point where the numbers of molecules of A and B and C aren't changing anymore. Individual molecules are switching, but every time one set of A and B break apart, another A and B join together. The numbers are constant. We could almost say that the solutions are in a constant state of tension - a pushing and pulling between A and B against C, but there is no obvious movement anymore. This point of tension is where life exists.

In the human body, well, in every living thing, cells are busy making stuff, using nutrients, producing waste, getting rid of waste, sending out their products to other cells, and many other functions. The way they stay alive is by toying with that equilibrium tension. One cell needs some of A but has too much of B so it pumps out B, but another cell gives it A. In the body, this is amazingly tuned. What do we have, several billion cells or something? And they all communicate with each other to send out what they have too much of and gladly accept that which they need. (Goodness, sounds like something Jesus said - but that's not where I'm going right now.) So, life exists in a constant state of tension that we call homeostasis. In fact, the difference between a dead person and a living person is that a living person is still in a state of tension, the dead person has lost the delicate balance between his cells... at least this is the physical explanation.

Alright, if you're not burned out yet, and you're still reading, here comes the spiritual revelation and application. Just as our bodies find life right in the midst of physiologic tension, so our spirituality finds its existence in the midst of spiritual tension. For example, we have the big dichotomies like life and death, poverty and wealth, love and hate. These are seemingly obvious in their placements into the "desirable" and "undesirable" categories, but I think that this whole issue of tension is more dynamic than just "We desire to live, to have wealth, and to love." This is true, but the role of death, poverty, and hate are not useless. (Goodness, I sound like I'm about to inform you of "the power of the dark side.") What I am trying to say is that there is a purpose for each end of the spectrum: we'll just use life and death as our example.

Jesus said that unless a seed dies, it cannot bring forth new life. Unless we die to ourselves and are born again, we cannot experience newness of abundant life. So, in this sense, the Lord says that death is absolutely necessary and an important part of life – maybe even good. Do you see what I mean?

Life and death seem to be pretty clear-cut. But we can take this further... say, Justice and Mercy? There is a moment when it is perfectly representative of the Lord's character to bring justice, but He is also the perfection of mercy. Or how about Confidence and Humility? Is there a time to be confident and a time to be humble? Or, are they really different faces of the same thing? You could certainly be confident, and also be humble. But the world might not recognize it. What about further being able to discern between true, godly, confidence and pride or arrogance? That’s a bit tougher. Or humility and shame or self-pity (which is pride, too)? Even sorrow and depression are not the same. The Lord sanctifies holy sorrow, but depression is the devil's perversion of it.

Here's just a list of some of these dichotomies that I've come up with:
Blessings-curses, pain-numbness, poverty-wealth, death-life, truth-deception, first-last, hot-cold, sin-righteousness, grace-judgment, light-dark, good-evil, diversity-unity, love-hate, justice-mercy, sight-blind, hearing-deafness, joy-sadness, peace-confusion/war, shame-humility, beauty-ugliness, pride-confidence, dissonance-harmony, knowledge-foolishness, hunger-satisfaction, work-rest, time-eternity, reaping-sowing, harvesting-planting, suffering-comfort, building-tearing down, gather-scatter, laughter-mourning, flesh-spirit, mind-heart, strength-weakness.

See, there are quite a few - and I'm sure that's just scratching the surface. And these dichotomies exist by the Lord's design, so I am left believing that there really is a "time and purpose for every season." Jesus is the Prince of Peace, and also the Lord of Hosts. He is the First and the Last. He is the image of perfect balance.

Hopefully, I’m making my point here about the presence of this spiritual tension that exists between these different ends of the spiritual spectrum. Just like in our cells or in a beaker, we expect that when we come to Jesus we get life, peace, joy, grace, strength, and eternity. I think this is true, but I think it’s more true that the Lord gives us equilibrium. He shows us how A+B doesn’t exactly equal C. It does, but there’s more. There is a reason why A and B still exist. The Lord purifies our perception of reality. In our spiritual lives, we start to see how death and life are connected - how the Lord gives us peace, but we are also called to fight in His army – the Lord will give us strength, but that’s usually only when we see how weak we are – and He gives us eternity, but that doesn’t negate the time that He’s given us here and now.

I am fascinated by the significance of the crucifixion with regard to this idea. When Jesus dies, I think the heavens and earth shook partly because in this moment, the two ends of this spiritual spectrum got bent around and superimposed on each other. In the same moment that Jesus died, He gave life; in the same moment He who was righteous became sin and we who were sinners became righteous; He was exalted, but only through His humility; in His ugliness, we became beautiful; His work gave us rest; He was hated so we could be loved; He became the curse so we could become the blessing.

Jesus set the perfect example of perfect balance - of perfect homeostasis - equilibrium. He put light and darkness together without making it turn gray. He blended the Lion and the Lamb without destroying either. I think this is what it means to be a follower of Jesus: we long to walk the way He did. We want to be "perfect as He is perfect." We want to cry when He cries and laugh when He laughs. We want to be willing to be poor that we might have true riches. We want to humble ourselves so that He can exalt us in His time. We want to acknowledge our deafness and blindness so that we can come to Him to hear and see. We accept His judgments in our lives because we believe in His love and His desire to purify us.

So, this is, to me, another picture of what it means to be a child of God. We live in homeostasis with the Lord.

My final revelation to end this entry with is borrowed from our physical anatomy. One night I was laying in bed thinking about all this homeostasis and dichotomies in reality stuff and my mind was drawn to thinking about cranial nerves. It seemed odd, but I just kept exploring the direction the Lord was taking me. The human body has 12 cranial nerves which control many of our senses in the head and they also affect some in the body. They are never very fun to learn about because of their complexities. However, now that I've had to learn them half a dozen times, I really appreciate them. I started thinking about cranial nerve VIII - the Vestibulo-Cochlear nerve. It is called this because one branch goes to the vestibular system where we get our sense of balance and the other branch goes to the cochlea - the ear, where we get our hearing. As I was lying in bed, I asked the Lord, "Lord, why did you design us so that hearing and balance are on the same nerve?"

"The degree to which your life finds balance in Me is dependent on the degree to which you listen to Me."

Whoa. Seems simple, but the truth of the matter is really that the more we choose to listen to the Lord, the more we will understand His perfect timing and be able to live in spiritual homeostasis. Even Cranial Nerve VIII testifies!

Prioritizing: the Challenge of a Busy Life

It seems I always have something going on in my head. I told the Lord that just because I was going to medical school, I in no way wanted to drop out of His school… in fact, I’d much rather drop out of med school. So, the Lord has been faithful to educate me … usually it hasn’t been like a one credit elective either. It’s usually been a multi-dimensional course that ends up culminating in the last few lessons where I see how all the pieces fit together. The dialog that the Lord and I have been dealing with over the last few months has been with regard to setting priorities and living them out.

Now, as with any dissertation that I put on this thing, I offer my thoughts humbly. I know that the Lord is constantly molding me, stretching and changing my perception of Him. I’m so thankful for this. But, the place that I’ve come to in this God-course merits an entry – if not for anyone else, at least for me when I find myself struggling with this again.

As I compare the American culture with those of other nations and cultures, it’s very apparent how dominantly “Type A” we are. In fact, in the name of evolutionary progress, Type A seems to be the next step in natural selection. If you can’t produce and keep up with the next guy, well, basically, you’re bound for extinction. Consequently, we live in a constant state of fear and panic: we have unending sympathetic nervous stimulation resulting in ulcers, sleep deprivation, excessive trips to fast food joints in the name of efficiency and convenience, heart attacks and high blood pressure, poor relationships, and more toys, money, and academic degrees than ever.

Now, I don’t propose that hard work and diligence are bad things. As we will quickly see, the issue of priorities is a very dense one, with many facets. Perhaps this is why the Lord has used the last couple years of med school to break me and re-form me in this area. But, in spite of the seeming progressive benefits of diligence, my current position is that we’re so concerned with being in the 99th percentile, that we’ve lost track of our balance. We’re so afraid of the Lord thinking we’re lazy that we have built altars to our education and careers. So, this article is going to be a large push back to the other side of the spectrum.

As Christians we say things like “as long as we do it unto the Lord” or “he who doesn’t work, doesn’t eat” or “a little sleep, a little slumber...” And these things are true… but like many of our Christian clichés, they are twisted in our minds. They are read or said through the voice of the Law and not of the Spirit. We don’t hear “Don’t be a lazy sluggard who only cares about himself and what others can do for him,” but instead we hear, “Be a super driven goal-oriented successful person who only thinks about himself and how he can get above the rest of the competition.” In essence, I believe the underlying condition is not the desire to persevere through trials for the sake of building faith in the Lord, but it is more the exact opposite: fear and a lack of faith.

What in the world am I talking about? Well, I look around and see so many people without smiles on their faces. Everyone is afraid. As a med student, this is amplified. Just the other day we had a cardiac pathology exam. Now, this course is conducted by the ominous Dr. Siew, who has been around for ages. She is about 4’10” and well into her 80’s, but she is no cute old woman. She strikes fear into the hearts of giants. With her British accent she is unashamed to call you an idiot to your face. She commands attention and everyone cowers in fear to her. Now, this is ridiculous to me. Sure, we should respect her and treat the material seriously, but to assume that she has the ability to give life and death is a bit excessive. The reason everyone is afraid is because they are all focused on their career goals, and this woman seems like a threat. The thoughts I hear reeling through these med students' heads sound something like: “If I fail this 30 point test then I’ll have to retake cardiology and that means I’ll have to wait another year to do my clinicals in the hospitals and then I won’t graduate for another year, so I won't be making money but, what's worse, everyone will think I’m stupid and not qualified to be a doctor… they'll all go on ahead of me and leave me behind, and I’ll feel stupid and probably have to drop out of med school and find another job, but I’ve spent so much time studying medicine that I probably couldn’t even get another job,… I’d have to go back to college and learn something else, then go to another grad school so that I can get another job to pay off all this stinking med school debt… oh my goodness! Dr. Siew holds my life in her hands!!” Perhaps this train of thought is legitimate for non-believers, but as Christians, this is a sin. This is idolatry. And we shall have no other gods before us… not even those who seemingly have the power to promote or demote us. Remember, no position is given to any man without the Lord calling it to be. I am a son of God and a friend of Jesus. I am not to fear anyone. I am to love others, but I am to expect my bread to come from the Lord.

So, because people are terrified for their careers, they spend sleepless nights worrying about the exams, studying and STUDYING and STUDYING so that they won’t be caught off guard and fail the test - or rather, in life. Again, it’s good to study, but this is not the same as diligence, this is fear… because our success is completely dependent on putting in the extra time - giving “110%” and “going above and beyond.” (By the way, I’ve come to think that these phrases were coined by the devil himself. The Lord never asks this… He asks us to keep step with Him, not to run ahead or fall behind.)

So, with this particular exam, I chose the opposite approach: I didn’t even go up to the lab to look over the slides because just being around all those panicky people rips my faith out. So I spent several hours looking through a histology text, some images online, and just reading the course pack. My number one objective was not to freak out. “Do not be anxious about ANYTHING.”… not even cardiac pathology… or Dr. Siew. So, that’s what I did. I had so many panicking people say to me, “Aren’t you at all concerned about this?” … “no”… “Aren’t you going up to the lab?” … “no.” “Are you crazy??!” … “no, are you?” See, I committed to not worrying and studying a bit, but at all costs, not freaking out.

The night before the test, I got a call from a Christian buddy of mine. He said that he had found some really good study materials and wondered if I would like to look over them with him the next day before the test. Now, I’m not so foolish as to not accept the Lord’s hand when it is offered, so I met him and we looked over the stuff. I learned quite a bit and also had a chance to talk with him about some Jesus stuff.

By the way, I think we, as believers should expect the Lord to help us out. And we should know that He enjoys it. He's not like us - who get annoyed when someone needs our help. The Lord actually likes it when we ask Him to help us. And, truthfully, I think the more we become like the Lord, the more we will become addicted to helping others out as well. So, I think the Lord definitely gets our back - and it's a good thing... not a shameful thing that shows we "weren't prepared enough."

So, after my friend and I studied a bit, we went up to the lab for the exam and all faces were stern. Not a happy face in the room, except mine… I was making funny faces to my friend Lauren trying to get her to lighten up and know that the Lord really does have more authority than Dr. Siew. We took the test. I thought I did alright… I’m actually not sure yet, we’re still waiting for the results, (so maybe I shouldn’t be writing this yet) but the thing is, before the exam AND after, I have still been in a better spot: even those who crammed and studied endlessly left saying “I think I failed! Oh no! What was number 2? What did you put? Do you think she’ll give us extra points?” Seriously, people are out of control. I, on the other hand, who spent more time doing other things like talking with people who needed encouragement or giving people rides to the post office than I did studying, was perfectly happy just to know that the Lord has never let me down. Even my failures He has turned into successes. So, say I fail it… does that mean the Lord is angry with me? Nope. This is where I come to diligence, priorities and the work of the Lord.

I’ve come to a realization that the Lord has programmed us to have a set priority list in our spirits: #1 – Himself, #2 – relationships with a) our spouses/children/and other family, b) other believers and c) non-believers, #3 – everything else – careers, education, whatever. The reason everyone is stressed out is because they are rearranging the priorities and trying to force themselves to go out of order. God designed us to function this way: “Seek first the kingdom and all these things shall be added.” As Christians we may all agree that this is the right order… because we know in our hearts that this is the way it should be. But to look at our lives… our actions and thoughts we’d soon realize that we are much more concerned with #3. We’re afraid that if we don’t excel in whatever we’re doing so that we are the best and brightest, God will think we slacked so we won’t get a job and won’t be able to provide for our children’s children. After all “A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children” you know! (Pro 13:22). But, again, what does this mean? I think this is a promise and not a guilt trip. I think it means that the former actually comes first: leaving an inheritance to your grandchildren doesn’t make you a good man, but, by being a good man… putting first things first, the Lord will also watch over your grandchildren. After all, the rest of the verse says “But a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.” It doesn’t say “stored up for the harder worker.” It says the “righteous” – those who hunger for the Lord. Those focused on keeping the priorities as #1, 2, 3 - and not 3, 2, 1.

We take so much responsibility and pressure on ourselves to achieve. You know, the Lord really does love us – just as we are. He wants us to live in peace and freedom, not in fear and insecurity. What did Jesus tell His disciples? “Don’t even take an extra tunic with you when you go to do My work,” “The worker is worth his wages,” “Don’t worry about tomorrow – what you will eat or wear,” "If anyone wants you to walk one mile with him, go two," “Seek My kingdom first and all else will be added.”

The life of faith is really that. It’s a life of faith. We are so self-sufficient and Type A that we personalize everything as success or failure. You know, some of the times I’ve felt the most love from the Lord and grown the most in trusting Him have been when I have “failed” in the eyes of the world.

Again, I’m not saying that we should be slackers and moochers all the time. But, actually, sometimes it is good to be dependent on someone else. After all, we are dependent on the Lord, and He’s not mad about it,… He designed it that way. I think it’s much more dangerous to think that we are so capable and that if we just work a bit harder, we’ll get the results we want. It’s just messed up.

So, this is what we need to do: we need to be more concerned about passing the Lord’s tests than Dr. Siew’s. We should desire to be much quicker to help others… to be generous, to share, to consider others better that ourselves, to see needs in other people and meet them before our own than we are about our own academic goals and career objectives. We need to be willing to set aside EVERYTHING when the Lord brings someone to us who we know He has called us to minister to (not to preach the gospel to, but to LOVE on.) If your wife needs you to be near her… drop whatever else it is you’re doing and do it. She’s more important, you know it. Same for your kids. I’m hoping the Lord gives me the faith where I would be willing to lose my job before I’d miss one of my kids’ soccer or basketball games. My children are (well, will be) more important than my job. I need to trust that Lord will really provide for me. He SAYS He will.

The point I have been trying to make is this: WE NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT EVERYTHING! Let’s be faithful with loving God, then people, and then be faithful with our careers. The Lord really isn’t impressed with our academics or paychecks. He’s just not. He wants our hearts. Even if our works are “religious works” He still doesn’t care. He wants to know us and for us to know Him... Not accomplish “missions” for Him… know Him. It’s that simple.

I’ve often thought that us helping the Lord is like a little 5 year old girl wanting to help her mom bake cookies. Of course the girl can’t actually help the mother. But the mother is pleased to be spending time with the daughter. In fact, the daughter probably gets in the way, but for the sake of being together, the mother delights in the daughter wanting to help. Same, say for a son who wants to help his mom or dad with something… the child can’t actually help. But the parent loves the child and wants to spend time with the child. That’s the way the Lord is with us. If we suddenly think we can bake the cookies and handle the oven and everything on our own, not only will we ruin the cookies, but we’ll probably burn down the house as well.

The last thing I want to say is that the key to enjoying the freedom of experiencing the Lord’s provision is this: ALWAYS BE THANKFUL! It’s really not that revolutionary, but it’s so key. If we respond to everything that happens in our lives with praise and thanksgiving, the doors of heaven will open above us and we will be afraid of nothing and we will experience incredible revelation from the Lord. It’s what we were designed to do. We, as believers, really need to be the most joyful and happy people in the world. After all, we have the most reason to be.

So, this is a small excerpt from my recent lessons on priorities. These are my new priorities: I’m trying not to take myself so seriously – my “successes” or my “failures.” I’m learning to desire to know the Lord more than I try to impress Him and I’m trying to always be willing to help another out – even if I have a test the next day. As long as I keep loving God and others first, I will count on the Lord for “adding all those other things.” So far, I have no reason to doubt Him. And lastly, no matter what comes – be it rain or shine, famine or harvest, pass or fail – I want to be the kind of child who always says, “Thank you, Father. I will never stop praising you.”

Reflections on Death and Dying

Someone once said, “Only two things in life are certain: death and taxes.” Interestingly, though death and taxes seem to be completely separate and unique ideas, they have a bit more in common than just their certainty. Both death and taxes seem to evoke a similar emotional response – something that is mine is being taken from me and I really have no control over it. Be it money or even the very life that I have lived, there comes a time when it is demanded back from me. We feel upset or angry, cheated, taken advantage of, maybe hurt, confused, or sad. Consequently, we don’t just go around talking about these things. Furthermore, death tends to be an even more sensitive topic because the pain of loss is felt not only by the dying person, but also potentially by the surrounding friends and family. (I’ve rarely heard of someone weeping over another person’s taxes – well, never.) The questions around the topic of death also tend to eventually lead to a discussion of religion – a conversation many have avoided, chosen not to explore or talk about, or aggressively rejected while proudly marching under the “Shoving It Down My Throat” banner. As a result, death is a difficult issue for everyone that few really choose to sufficiently acknowledge or process. As a physician, however, and maybe even more-so simply as a human being, if I am to fully understand and appreciate life, I feel I must confront this seemingly ominous issue of death. This paper will hopefully serve as a platform to articulate my attitudes and feelings surrounding death and dying.
For most people, exposure to death and dying occurs at a very early age. We attend a funeral with our parents, we read or hear something that causes us to think about death, or we see something on TV or in a movie –each of these mediums carrying with it its own set of connotations or cultural interpretation. In my case, I don’t remember exactly what my first experience with death was. Fortunately, I have still not yet had to endure the death of someone extremely close to me. Nonetheless, throughout the years I have experienced the deaths of a great-grandmother, an aunt, an uncle, a cousin, and even some classmates. Each of their passings mostly served as reminders of the fragility of life – but since I was not especially close with them, I did not feel the deep hurt and loss except sympathetically through those I saw who were genuinely hurting.
The earliest childhood experience that I can remember of dealing with the pain of loss of a friend was in preschool. There was a girl that I had made friends with and even had a little crush on (or whatever you call it at that age) and one day I learned that she and her family had moved to Texas. So, though she didn’t die, I remember coming home and crying – feeling the pain and loss that was much like having her die. I knew I would never see Abby again. And it hurt. I didn’t understand why people couldn’t stay together. Why do we have to have goodbyes that are so permanent? The experience left me mostly hurt and confused.
Similarly, I imagine my first thoughts and questions about death revolved around these issues of loss. It seems unfair. You feel like a part of you has been ripped away and you can no longer continue on in the life that you knew. You have no control. Why is life so fragile? Could I die tonight or this afternoon? Am I guaranteed a certain number of days? If we’re not, then why does everyone act like they are? Would I live my life differently if I actually believed my days were numbered? How would my priorities change? Ultimately, questions of God and what happens after you die arise. Why would God let this happen? What happens to us when we die? Is there actually some purpose to death? Should I be scared of my own death? What if my mom or dad or brother dies? How would that make me feel? Like taxes, we lose something we feel we really shouldn’t have to lose. But, unlike taxes which we know go to our government; the “after life” destinations are a bit less certain. So, in spite of not directly having someone close to me die, as an introspective child, I know that death is an issue that I have thought a great deal about and an issue of which I have had many questions.
In my home death was not a topic that I really ever remember talking about with my parents – save in the context of Christianity – which has been the main influence in developing my thoughts about death. Through learning about Jesus, I learned that all people die, but that eternal life is available through Jesus’ death and resurrection. Death need not be viewed as such the terrifying termination that it is so commonly thought to be. As a result, Christianity slowly began to settle much of my confusion and hurt. As I grew in my faith and wrestled with it – transitioning from it being “my parents’ religion” to my own way of life – death started to make more sense and the hurt of it has been progressively resolving – though there are always questions.
As I mentioned above with the my experience with Abby, most of my separation anxiety has come not from people dying, but from moving and transitioning from one group of close friends to establishing another as school and careers push and pull people in and out of my life. I have been incredibly blessed to have amazing relationships with my friends and family – so each transition has given me insight into appreciating relationships and dealing with separation - all the while, the guiding light has been the teachings of Jesus and a constant desire to live and see the world the way he does. If there is any sense be made about death, it seems logical to me that Jesus, who healed people and raised some from the dead, and who he himself was raised after his death – that this man would be the authority not only on death, but also on life. Perhaps that last statement sounds a bit askew depending on where you’re coming from, but since this is the issue at hand, I must explore it further.
I do not care use this paper to justify why I have chosen to follow Jesus save that he says he is the way, the truth, and the life – three things which I have very much interest in finding in my own life, and that by learning and trusting in him, I feel that I am learning to better love others, not because I’m some nice guy who just wants to be everyone’s buddy, but because love is powerful and it sets us free and because Jesus continues to show his love to me. So, having said that, let me continue by considering some of the answers to these questions surrounding death in light of my relationship with Jesus – and, furthermore, what I believe a “good death” would look like. (I offer these thoughts humbly and with near certainty that my views will more than likely change as I grow and mature.)
Life is fragile. People are dying all the time. My life is fragile. I could be a pessimist… or perhaps a realist, and recognize that I could very well die tonight or this afternoon from a car accident – I’ve had friends die that way, or from an illness – I’ve had family die that way, or from a slip on the ice. I am not guaranteed any certain number of days. This is something that I cannot control. How does that make me feel? Well, I can get angry about it. But, that really doesn’t get me anywhere. So, if I have no choice, I might as well be happy and thankful for the time that I have. This seems to sit best with my heart.
So, recognizing that my days are finite and not guaranteed, should I live these days of life differently? Should my priorities change? This has been a difficult question lately. Is medical school the thing that gives me so much joy that if I die at the end of the semester, I would be happy with how I spent my last months? I am trying to realign my life so that I can say YES! This has involved putting my relationships with family and friends and with God above my academic “at-a-boys.” It has meant letting go of all the things that seem so important, but in the end everyone says they wish they wouldn’t have chased after so hard. I am starting to choose going to church or visiting my grandma or my friends over spending that last 4 or 5 hours studying. It has been exhilarating! I study to pass, and I cram the rest of my time into the lives of others. I believe Jesus says that we should be responsible with what we have, but we should always keep our eyes focused on that which is most important.
My grandma is currently not doing very well. She is 96, I believe. She fell out of her wheelchair, and for the first time, she is really having a hard time getting around. It is becoming a very difficult challenge for my mom and her sisters. I was helping my mom take care of her the other night and I did a couple tests to try to figure out what was going on with her leg: some muscle strength grading, some testing of sensation. In the midst of listening to my grandma talk about what she was feeling, not only the pain, but the feelings she had about being helpless, her feelings of guilt for falling out of her chair and being a burden, the frustration with dealing with my tired uncle – I found myself torn between two worlds: my academic mind wanted to help her by making the right diagnosis, but my grandson mind just wanted to listen and love her. What is really important here? That which is important is the latter. As my grandmother reaches the end of her days, more than anything else, she wants to know me and to have me know her. In the end, the right diagnosis is wonderful, but it really just delays death. I don’t say this lightly, but I feel that medicine sometimes wars against our ability to see what is truly needed – especially as we deal with end of life issues. The temptation is to become so consumed with the science that we neglect that which makes life worth living in the first place.
Furthermore, as my life with Jesus continues to grow, I realize that death is not to be feared. Not only is it is just as much a normal part of life as being born, or breathing, or eating, but Jesus – according to the testimony of many witnesses who were willing to die for this testimony – was killed and rose again as he had predicted. The great part is that he says the same is available to us. If I don’t want to be afraid of death, I just need to try to live like he did – love God, love others and hunger for the truth. In other words, I invert my priorities from living for me, to living for God and for others. The issue then becomes not so much a matter of living to die, but dying to live. Instead of focusing my life on what I can gain and how much more time I can spend getting a better degree or better this or that, it becomes the opposite where I am more interested in serving others and loving others and helping them reach their dreams – not because it is easier (because sometimes it isn’t) – but because Jesus says that in dying to myself, I will actually find that I am more alive than I ever thought I could be. I am finding this to be absolutely true. If I pass an exam by only one point because I spent time talking with my sister about her difficulties at school, that is time perfectly spent. I love my sister far more than my car or my apartment or my grades, and as I choose to model my life after that which I know to be true in my heart, this semester is becoming the exact way I would live my life even if I knew the I only had until the end of the semester.
So, in essence, a “good death” to me has very little to do with death, and everything to do with living. A good death is what I am trying to do all the time – kill the selfish priorities that I have for myself and learn to live for others. It’s actually the best death because it leads to life. Maybe when we think of a “good death” we think of issues of pain and suffering. These things are not desirable by any means, and I believe they should be minimized as much as possible. But these are minor issues of death and dying. The good death is the death of someone who chose to rightly live and because they loved truth and others, they have no fear of dying, but welcome it as just another transition – like waking up after a good night’s sleep. Additionally, it may seem like a good death would be a nice peaceful death with friends and family all around. It does sound nice. But, again, we don’t always have those options… and if friends and family are around, how often are their faces not smiley and happy, but scared or disheartening as they deal with the medicine, the legalities, and the loss? Again, priorities get contorted. The good death, then, is probably a death free of lawyers, doctors, and wills – but time with the family enjoying each other and celebrating the life shared with each other.
Finally, I know that there will be challenges and issues that I face as a physician that no amount of training will prepare me for. I think this is good, though. As with the story of my grandma, we need times of academic foolishness to remind us that we are firstly human beings and that a dying patient might very well not need a diagnosis, but someone to listen and love. As fluffy as it sounds, it’s the truth – and it’s not fluffy, either, it’s often the very most potent, efficacious drug known to man – and it carries no side effects! So, if I find myself working with terminally ill patients or children with cancer, though it seems sad, since I believe that death is normal and not something to be afraid of, I feel that I could be very satisfied being given the honor of sharing the last few moments with a dying patient. Even when dealing with an ornery or obnoxious dying patient – by loving Jesus, I am becoming more patient and learning to not to ask myself, “why does this patient annoy me?” or “why doesn’t this patient just chill out and get off my back?” but rather to ask myself, “how can I really love this person?” “How can I flip their world upside-down by loving them when they really expect me to treat them the way everyone else treats them?” See, Jesus teaches me to even love my enemies and to cast my burdens on him. So, I believe my priorities as a physician are first, to love the patient, then, to do my best as a trained physician, and finally, trust the Lord for the rest – whatever it might be.
Though this paper has seemed to me a little more disjointed than papers I typically have tried to produce, it has been a good exercise of exploring my thoughts and attitudes about death and dying. Death is a normal part of living, but rather than concern myself with fears of losing my life, I have found that the more I loosen my grip on my own life, the more abundant and refreshing life seems to be. And through my faith in Jesus I’ve come to question if the only certainties of life are death and taxes… maybe it’s just taxes. Ultimately, I hope that through my interactions with patients – even more than simply making the right diagnosis – I am able to let this abundance of life overflow into them simply by loving them.