sometimes it hurts.

How long will this last? How many more? How many lashes does it take to make us pure? How many times must I get back up before I am completely emptied? Lord, it's so hard - knowing that all I have to say is "enough" and it will stop. But not my will, Lord. I will go willingly if that's what you ask.

How did He do it? sometimes it hurts. it hurts a lot.

Isn't it funny how sometimes we don't see what the Teacher wants us to see?

Today I learned that I failed another test - and with that test, the pathology portion of my cardiology class. By God's grace, I was actually able to rest in the Lord's love for me. I actually didn't feel defeated by it... not until I saw what the Teacher wanted me to see.

One of the heart photographs that we were tested on had a shiny spot on it. When I was taking the test, I didn't even take note of the shiny spot. I unconsciously wrote it off as a glare from the light reflecting off the heart. As it turns out, however, that shiny spot was the essence of the test. It was scar tissue - and the key to passing the quiz.

I missed what the teacher wanted me to see. But, what's worse, I missed what the Teacher wanted me to see.

When class was dismissed - one of my friends asked me how it went. Did I pass? I smiled and sheepishly confessed I'd come up short. In my heart - though I didn't mind my friend knowing - I was a little less than glad that he asked me in that particular setting - in front of other classmates - it forced me to be vulnerable. I know he genuinely cares, and I really have no problem with him knowing - it's just the other people in the room.

Then, as I stood up from my seat, another friend standing a couple rows behind asked me how it went. Again, though I was completely comfortable sharing with her my deficiency in accumulating enough points - she asked me across 2 rows of students - and so, across two rows, I kind of mumbled "I didn't make it." I mumbled it so softly that she had to ask again. So, I just nodded my head to indicate that I hadn't passed. I felt in my heart that I was very uncomfortable with this experience and was a little upset that I was being asked to air my academic inadequacies across two rows of med students, no less.

It is not until now that I see what the Teacher wanted me to see.

Why was I so afraid to be revealed in front of my classmates? The Teacher wasn't concerned about how well I did on the pathology test - but how I would really handle it in my heart - and would my heart be willing to be vulnerable - to be exposed - not just to my friends and the ones who care about me - but to those who don't - and maybe even my enemies.

The Lord gave me two opportunities this morning to pass this test - to conquer my fear of being exposed. I wasn't even looking where He wanted me to look. I missed it. This hurts worse than not passing the cardio test.

I still have brokenness.
I'm still hiding.
I'm still scared of being exposed.
I can still put on a front like the best of them.

Now the hard part:
Lord, this hurts. It hurts to feel like I've finally gotten past counting on you alone for my affirmation - only to find that now you're asking me to willingly and joyfully expose my weaknesses. Not just between me and you. Not just in front of those who love me. But now in front of those who will laugh at me. I didn't see what you wanted me to see the first two times....


will you give me another chance?




this hurts.








*btw, to those two people who asked me how I did... I'm in no way upset with you and love you very much. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your willingness to be used by the Lord on my behalf.