True Love: Mystery without Manipulation

I'm somewhat embarassed to admit this, but while doing a little web surfing, I came across an article title that caught my attention: "What Kind of Guy Did You Marry?" I was curious, so I clicked the link. As I suspected, the article might as well have come out of a Glamour or Seventeen magazine - laced in all its ground-breaking relational wisdom. It compared two different types of husbands: the Boyfriend and the Husband.

The "Boyfriend" husband being the bad boy - the guy who is wild, mysterious, and unpredictable. Essentially, the relationship thrives on a savage lust for each other. (Before I go on here, I want to know, who in the world has that kind of relationship other than disenchanted junior-high and high-schoolers who really don't, they really just swim in this illusionary world contrived by music, magazines, and movies?! Does this really exist in real life?) That aside, I do understand the thrill associated with a real sense of passion. Something that we as young people don't see a lot of in our "happily married" (or unhappily married) role-models. The article sited all kinds of "research" and "psychologists" and the like. The obvious negative to this sort of relationship is that it is equally as threatening as it is thrilling. There is no security. No assurance that he or she will still be there in the morning. Will he/she find someone better? Someone who pushes the buttons better? Alright, so that's the Boyfriend: an adrenaline rush - but stimulated both by passion and fear.

The "Husband" husband was what you'd expect: the faithful guy, a "buddy," you can count on him to pick up the kids and whatnot, but he doesn't really excite you. The relationship is more business than intimate. This is what most lasting marriages depend on (so the "research" says.) So, when a girl looks for a man to marry, she should be looking for a guy like this... Someone to "bring home to mom."

The article suggested, then, that each man will fall into one of these categories: the passionate Boyfriend, or the faithful Husband. But, let's face it, we all have a bit of fire in us and if this is the way we have to view our relational reality, it would make most sense to hang on to the Boyfriend as long as possible - get as much thrill as you can until you come to that point where you're really afraid you can't compete with the competition, so you hook yourself a Husband to coast through the rest of your days with.

(Forgive me if this blog comes across extremely cynical... I guess it is, cuz I am quite cynical about the world's view and portrayal of relationships. It's just wacked out. I don't pretend to be an expert on relationships at all, but maybe my perspective, well, Jesus' perspective lends a little more hope.)

So, what's the goal, here? The goal is this: passion without pain; mystery without manipulation. Is this impossible? Do we have ANY models of this at all??

As Christians, we say OF COURSE WE DO!

When God invents marriage, He intends for it to be an intimate picture of His love for us. He expects us to learn from Him how to love our husbands and wives. He puts limitations on areas like premarital sex and emotional vulnerability to protect a precious gift - a gift that has the potential to be the most incredible earth-shattering experience - or the most destructive, painful, confusing experience of our lives (and I'm not just talking about sex, here, either-- the WHOLE thing... the WHOLE relationship).

So, what do we know about love from God's point of view? Is it passionate?

Oh my, YES!

Few respond to His wooing, but it is there.. it is obvious in the Bible, and it's obvious to anyone who hungers for the Lord. His love is fierce. It is willing to die for me. He is constantly showing me new and thrilling sides of Himself, and all the while assuring me that the depths of mystery contained within His love for me will never reach an end. I am fascinated by Him. He moves me to tears and causes me to tremble when I welcome the revelation of His fiery and intense love. Really, He touches me and gives me chills. His love is extremely passionate and mysterious. His Love is very intimate and that gets my adrenaline going.

What about the other? Is God faithful and dependable?

Again, I say, OH YEAH!

If you have not felt the pain of realizing your unfaithfulness to Him, but then felt the unexplainable joy of realizing His eternal faithfulness to love you, you haven't lived. Really. It will break you down. You might say that He is passionately faithful. He promises to never leave me. He hears me when I call. He is my friend and buddy, and I can feel comfortable and safe with Him.

What I'm realizing here, is that in God the "Boyfriend" and the "Husband" are fused together. The cannot be separated. We are able to experience the depths of His passion because we can trust Him. We don't need to be afraid of His mystery because His faithfulness allows us to dive deep into Him without fear - with complete security in His promises.

So, THIS is how God expects our marriages to be: mysterious, passionate, and thrilling - but fiercely faithful and grounded in a steadfast love and friendship. As Rob Bell puts it in his Nooma, "Flame," God expects us to join all the flames of passion, friendship, and faithfulness together to get the BIG FLAME.

This kind of love is available. It's what we were designed for. It breaks my heart that the world separates the flames and so destroys the possibility of experiencing True Love. There is so much deception. Of course, I am not married, and maybe it's easy for me to talk about something that I have no experience with, but I don't really think that's true. I've seen. I've watched. I've experienced.

There is one last point that is important for me to make: that is that in order to translate the passionately faithful love of Jesus into our earthly relationships, we have to know Him. We have to have that sort of innocently passionate relationship with Jesus in order to have it overflow into each other. If you don't have it with the Lord, you won't be able to give it to your spouse. It will be fake. It will burn you out. You will get angry because he/she doesn't return it to you. So, it won't be selfless and faithful like the Lord's. We must know the Great Lover in order to do what He does.

See, I really believe that when we follow the way God designed us to function... when we are people of truth, when we don't use "love" to manipulate, but when we have a selfless, self-sacrificing love for our spouse... it's an experience that all of Creation takes part in. Nature itself rejoices in a husband and wife loving each other in the Truth of Christ. All of the angels wonder and awe... cheering and singing praise to God when they behold the miracle of love that we are capable of giving to each other. This isn't a joke. The universe was designed by, for, and through Love.

I don't know who you are or where you're at in relationships, but I hope that you hear me out here. Jesus is Truth. He made us and His ideas are ALWAYS the best. Get to know Him.